BREAKING: Concern Mounting Over Nothing In Particular

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WASHINGTON—Warning that anxieties were rising rapidly, authorities announced Tuesday that concern was mounting over nothing in particular. “We’re seeing a trend towards escalating anxiety which, if left unattended, could spill into full-blown panic,” said researcher Todd Mills, confirming that overwhelmingly negative feelings about just the whole situation in general had led to a record-breaking amount of unease amongst the nation’s populace. “We don’t want to cause undue alarm, but we are looking at the possibility that these anxieties will turn into fears which could then begin exploding at an exponential rate.” At press time, Mills cautioned that previous reports had underreported the level of concern, meaning that current levels of concern were more concerning than ever.