CHICAGO—According to late-breaking reports from eyewitnesses on the scene Tuesday, absolutely everyone at local bar Jack’s Tavern is way cooler than 25-year-old Peter White. Sources confirmed that every single person currently occupying the establishment, including the bartender, servers, and each of the dozens of patrons seated along the counter, is smarter, better looking, and generally more interesting than the junior systems analyst, who is easily the biggest lame-o in attendance. Several reports indicate that at approximately 8:32 p.m., White entered the bar, instantly causing the atmosphere in Jack’s Tavern to change irrevocably for the worse. Eyewitness accounts confirmed the bar’s vibe was diminished by the overwhelming blandness of the man, who appeared to be only pretending to text others on his phone and was unlikely to be meeting up with any friends. At press time, the boring and utterly unremarkable man had reportedly ordered a drink as dull as himself.