BREAKING: Hot Damn, 500 Smackers!

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OKLAHOMA CITY—Fanning out the bills to show off the newly acquired currency, sources confirmed Friday that—hot damn, would you look at that?—here’s 500 smackers. “Hoo-wee! That’s 500 buckaroos right there—go on and count it!” said the sources, repeatedly licking their thumbs to separate the 25 individual $20 bills into five small stacks of $100 each. “Just smell that green! You ever see a wad that fat before? That is some serious dinero, my friend.” At press time, sources confirmed an enormous gust of wind had blown the $500 out of their hands, across the sidewalk, and into a heavily trafficked street, with much of the cash disappearing down a sewer grate.