CHICAGO—Announcing that the unbeatable selection of deals and steals had been extended through the long holiday weekend, a late-breaking report released Friday confirmed that it’s not too late to take advantage of The Onion’s Independence Day mattress sale. “There’s never been a better time to score major savings with hundreds of markdowns on The Onion’s incredible range of twin, full, queen, king, and California king-sized mattresses,” read the detailed report, which beckoned all Onion readers “to strike while the iron is hot” and take advantage of the lowest prices of the season on innerspring, memory foam, and adjustable base mattresses. “It’s time for all Onion readers to win their independence from poor sleep. Whether you’re a side sleeper, back sleeper, heck, even a stomach sleeper, we guarantee The Onion has a doorbusting bargain on the mattress of your dreams. But hurry in fast, because these prices won’t last.” The report also found that The Onion was offering an exciting array of can’t-miss promotions on box springs, bed sets, and headboards.