America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

News

News In Brief News In Photos Interview Slideshow

Image for American Masculinity Faces Existential Threat After Man Asked To Be Nicer Sometimes

American Masculinity Faces Existential Threat After Man Asked To Be Nicer Sometimes

DETROIT—Delivering a crushing blow to the traditional beliefs and practices held by men nationwide, sources confirmed Thursday that American masculinity faced an existential threat after a meeting at Dynatech Telecommunication in which local…

Image for U.S. Condemns Myanmar For Not Making Activist Executions Look Like Accidents

U.S. Condemns Myanmar For Not Making Activist Executions Look Like Accidents

WASHINGTON—Announcing its disappointment over the recent killings, the United States privately condemned military leaders in Myanmar for not making the executions of four pro-democracy dissidents look more like accidents, sources confirmed Thursday.…

Image for What’s In The Inflation Reduction Act?

What’s In The Inflation Reduction Act?

The Inflation Reduction Act, which was signed into law by President Joe Biden on Tuesday, represents the Democratic Party’s effort to deliver on its agenda. The Onion looks at the key elements of the Inflation Reduction Act.

Image for Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State

Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State

Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision on June 24, 2022, to overturn Roe v. Wade, which affirmed a right to abortion at the federal level, The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and…

Watch

If Your Kink Is Baseballs, Here You Go

Men Reveal Why They’ve Decided To Get Vasectomies

History Fact: Did You Know?

This Elon Musk Deepfake Cannot Be Real

EPA Closes Down After Running Out Of Salvageable Environment To Protect

Infographic

Image for What’s In The Inflation Reduction Act?

What’s In The Inflation Reduction Act?

Image for How Wildfires Work

How Wildfires Work

Image for Pros And Cons Of A Cashless Society

Pros And Cons Of A Cashless Society

Image for The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Have Fun In The Sun

The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Have Fun In The Sun

Interview

Image for We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

Fauci: Yes, I’ve seen the cartoon drawings of me with a six-pack, and it’s flattering, obviously. I bought some for friends. It’s fun. I show them off at parties. I put them on my business card. It makes me laugh, you know? I put them up on my…

News

Image for CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools

CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools

Image for BREAKING: The Onion Has Been Permanently Banned From Twitter

BREAKING: The Onion Has Been Permanently Banned From Twitter

Image for God Regrets Never Learning Spanish

God Regrets Never Learning Spanish

Image for ‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There

‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There

News In Brief

Image for American Masculinity Faces Existential Threat After Man Asked To Be Nicer Sometimes

American Masculinity Faces Existential Threat After Man Asked To Be Nicer Sometimes

Image for U.S. Condemns Myanmar For Not Making Activist Executions Look Like Accidents

U.S. Condemns Myanmar For Not Making Activist Executions Look Like Accidents

Image for Monsanto Executive Threatens To Detonate Every Corncob In Nation Unless Demands Met

Monsanto Executive Threatens To Detonate Every Corncob In Nation Unless Demands Met

Image for Wirecutter Unveils Recommendations For Best Electric Chairs

Wirecutter Unveils Recommendations For Best Electric Chairs

News In Photos

Image for Smirnoff Unveils New Vodka Infused With Agricultural Runoff

Smirnoff Unveils New Vodka Infused With Agricultural Runoff

Image for Photographic Evidence Reveals Trump Attempted To Flush White House Down Toilet

Photographic Evidence Reveals Trump Attempted To Flush White House Down Toilet

Image for Philadelphia Becomes First City To Be 100% Parking Spots

Philadelphia Becomes First City To Be 100% Parking Spots

Image for New Airbnb Rental Just Cardboard Box With Rapist Inside

New Airbnb Rental Just Cardboard Box With Rapist Inside

News With Video

Image for Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

News With Video

Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

Image for Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

News With Video

Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

Image for Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

News With Video

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

Image for Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder

News With Video

Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder

Now: Focus

Image for 6-Year-Old Explains How Messed Up It Is That Her Entire Life Has Been Put On Facebook

6-Year-Old Explains How Messed Up It Is That Her Entire Life Has Been Put On Facebook

Image for Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer

Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer

Image for Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

Image for Facebook Employees Explain Daily Struggle Of Trying To Care About Company's Unethical Practices When Gig So Cushy

Facebook Employees Explain Daily Struggle Of Trying To Care About Company's Unethical Practices When Gig So Cushy

ODS

Image for How To Beat Procrastination Is What I’ll Reveal After I Finish Up My New Anti-Procrastination System

Sponsored

How To Beat Procrastination Is What I’ll Reveal After I Finish Up My New Anti-Procrastination System

Image for Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up

Sponsored

Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up

Image for Three World-Shaping Visionaries Hail Cottonelle Flushable Wipes As Mankind’s Greatest Achievement

Sponsored

Three World-Shaping Visionaries Hail Cottonelle Flushable Wipes As Mankind’s Greatest Achievement

Image for This App Turns Your Photos Into Music If You Want To Do That For Some Reason

Sponsored

This App Turns Your Photos Into Music If You Want To Do That For Some Reason

Onion Info Clips

Image for 5 Things To Know About ‘Red Notice’

Onion Info Clips

5 Things To Know About ‘Red Notice’

Image for Highlights Of The COP26 Climate Summit

Onion Info Clips

Highlights Of The COP26 Climate Summit

Image for iPod Turns 20

Onion Info Clips

iPod Turns 20

Image for Nintendo 64 Turns 25

Onion Info Clips

Nintendo 64 Turns 25

Onion News Network

Image for ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

Image for ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

Image for ONN Exclusive: Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles

ONN Exclusive: Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles

Image for Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

Onion Review

Image for Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car

Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car

Image for Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders

Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders

Image for Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks

Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks

Image for Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image

Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image

Onion Social

Image for Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

Image for Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Image for Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data

Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data

Image for An Open Invitation From Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum

An Open Invitation From Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum

Slideshow

Image for Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State

Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State

Image for Everything The FBI Seized During The Raid At Mar-A-Lago

Everything The FBI Seized During The Raid At Mar-A-Lago

Image for CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence

CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence

Image for Finest Feline Reporting: The Onion’s Most Consequential Cat Journalism

Finest Feline Reporting: The Onion’s Most Consequential Cat Journalism

Tech

Image for Study: Technology Making It Easier For Mankind To Get More Annoyed Than Ever

Sponsored

Study: Technology Making It Easier For Mankind To Get More Annoyed Than Ever

Image for Google Engineers Invent New Body Part To Strap Gadgets Onto

Sponsored

Google Engineers Invent New Body Part To Strap Gadgets Onto

Image for 6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

Sponsored

6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

Image for Scientists Continue Developing Alternative Energy Sources For Americans To Waste

Sponsored

Scientists Continue Developing Alternative Energy Sources For Americans To Waste

Today Now

Image for 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

Image for How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

Image for This Week On Today Now!

This Week On Today Now!

Image for Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

Advertisement