Breaking NewsHow The American Diet Has Changed Over TimeThe American diet, often criticized for its unhealthiness, has changed significantly over the course of the nation’s existence due to technological breakthroughs, scientific research, and lifestyle developments. The Onion takes a look at how the…
Breaking NewsNew App Connects Users Too Tired To Get Out Of Bed With Gig Worker Who Will Turn Off Their LightsSAN FRANCISCO—Touting the on-demand service as a great convenience for anyone who finds themselves exhausted at the end of a long day, a widely hyped new startup unveiled an app Tuesday that connects users who are too tired to get out of bed with a…
Breaking News54-Year-Old Facebook User Wins Nobel Prize For Own Extensive Internet Research Into Dangers Of Covid VaccineSTOCKHOLM—Lauding the man as one of the greatest minds working in medicine today, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences reportedly awarded 54-year-old Facebook user Darren Weston the Nobel Prize Monday for his own extensive internet research into…
Breaking NewsReport: U.S. Economy Loses $5 Billion Every Year To Americans Rising For National AnthemWASHINGTON—Concluding that the patriotic gesture was a significant drain on the country’s resources, a new report out Monday from researchers at Georgetown University found that the U.S. economy loses $5 billion every year to Americans rising for…
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsWyoming Announces It Now Adults OnlyCHEYENNE, WY—Noting that the new legislation would go into effect almost immediately, Wyoming officials announced…PublishedOctober 2, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsFox News Host Outraged By Viral Video Of Mob Of Thugs Using Coupons To Save MoneyNEW YORK—Saying the footage clearly showed the chaos that Democratic leadership had created in cities across the…PublishedOctober 2, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsSenator Dianne Feinstein, Trailblazer In Being Old, Dead At 90WASHINGTON—Having been alive as far back as 1933, Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California, a trailblazer in being old,…PublishedSeptember 29, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking News‘The Onion’ Looks Back On 90 Years Of Dianne Feinstein DyingDianne Feinstein, who served as a senator of California since 1992, died Thursday night at the age of 90. The Onion …PublishedSeptember 29, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsU.S. Mint Releases Collection Of Coins Featuring Child Molester From Every StateWASHINGTON—Unveiling a commemorative series created in honor of the nation’s most renowned pedophiles, the U.S. Mint…PublishedSeptember 29, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsTrader Joe’s Adds New Fitting Rooms Where Customers Can See How Food Will Look In Their MouthMONROVIA, CA—Announcing that renovations had been made to all 560 locations, grocery chain Trader Joe’s confirmed…PublishedSeptember 29, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsDogs React To Commander Biden Biting Another Secret Service OfficerFollowing the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden’s younger dog nipped at member of the federal law…PublishedSeptember 28, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsReleased U.S. Soldier Won’t Shut Up About North Korean CandySAN ANTONIO, TX—Claiming that the Army private looks for any opportunity to mention the sweets, sources confirmed …PublishedSeptember 28, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsSNAP Recipients Now Required To Show Starvation-Induced Organ FailureSAN FRANCISCO—Claiming the plan would ensure benefits went toward those who truly needed them, a new proposal by San…PublishedSeptember 28, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsWhole Foods Closes 6 More Stores After Customer Tries Blueberry Without Paying For ItAUSTIN, TX—Ascribing the decision to prioritizing the safety of the chain’s employees and customers, grocery…PublishedSeptember 28, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsWhat To Know About The United Auto Workers StrikeThousands of United Auto Workers members have walked off the job since the union initiated its strike on Sept. 15. Th…PublishedSeptember 28, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsHamburger Helper Unveils New Line Of Erotic Casseroles Meant To Be Eaten Off Naked BodyCLEVELAND—Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand’s signature boxed dinners,…PublishedSeptember 28, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsEvery Bribe Bob Menendez Accepted While A U.S. SenatorSen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ) has pleaded “not guilty” to sweeping federal charges that accuse him of accepting hundreds…PublishedSeptember 27, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsTriumphant Biden Announces U.S. Has Killed Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Osama Bin LadenWASHINGTON—Delivering a jubilant address to the American people, a triumphant President Joe Biden announced…PublishedSeptember 27, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsWhy More Americans Are Putting Off Having KidsA recent study found that the average age for new American parents is up to 26 for mothers and 31 for fathers, both…PublishedSeptember 26, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsHistorians Reveal Original Draft Of Constitution Included 593 Mentions Of SpidersWASHINGTON—In a finding that sheds light on the particular concerns and interests of the Founding Fathers, …PublishedSeptember 26, 2023