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Image for Study Finds 87% Of Home Invasions Foiled After Homeowner Nervously Mutters, ‘Who’s There?’

Study Finds 87% Of Home Invasions Foiled After Homeowner Nervously Mutters, ‘Who’s There?’

BOSTON—In a groundbreaking study of burglary-response tactics published Tuesday, researchers at Northeastern University’s School of Criminology and Criminal Justice found that 87% of home invasions were foiled when victims nervously muttered, “Who’s…

Image for Bounty Scientists Scream As Experimental Paper Towel Absorbs Entire Lab

Bounty Scientists Scream As Experimental Paper Towel Absorbs Entire Lab

CINCINNATI—In a horrifying accident that is said to have resulted from obsessive and irresponsible attempts to develop a product with the thickest quilting possible, multiple scientists at paper towel manufacturer Bounty reportedly died screaming…

Image for What To Know About The Covid Omicron Variant

What To Know About The Covid Omicron Variant

The B.1.1.529, or Omicron, variant of the coronavirus was reported by the World Health Organization on November 24, and speculation about it is now running rampant. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about the Covid Omicron variant.

Image for Federal Witness Protection Program Criticized For Failing To Create Believable Female Identities

Federal Witness Protection Program Criticized For Failing To Create Believable Female Identities

SIOUX CITY, IA—Facing scrutiny for a double standard when it comes to gender, the Federal Witness Protection Program was under fire Monday for what detractors called a clear failure to create believable female identities. “Women make up 50% of the…

Videos

Image for Questions I'm Always Asked As A 58-Year-Old Gen Z-er

Questions I'm Always Asked As A 58-Year-Old Gen Z-er

Image for This One’s Just Footage Of A Claw Machine. Is This What You Want?

This One’s Just Footage Of A Claw Machine. Is This What You Want?

Image for The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Image for Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive

Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive

Infographic

Image for What To Know About The Covid Omicron Variant

What To Know About The Covid Omicron Variant

Image for What To Know About The Ghislaine Maxwell Trial

What To Know About The Ghislaine Maxwell Trial

Image for What’s Causing Global Supply Chain Issues?

What’s Causing Global Supply Chain Issues?

Image for Scenes From U.S. Lifting Covid Travel Restrictions

Scenes From U.S. Lifting Covid Travel Restrictions

Interview

Image for We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

Fauci: Yes, I’ve seen the cartoon drawings of me with a six-pack, and it’s flattering, obviously. I bought some for friends. It’s fun. I show them off at parties. I put them on my business card. It makes me laugh, you know? I put them up on my…

News

Image for God Regrets Never Learning Spanish

God Regrets Never Learning Spanish

Image for ‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There

‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There

Image for Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World

Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World

Image for ‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins

‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins

News In Brief

Image for Study Finds 87% Of Home Invasions Foiled After Homeowner Nervously Mutters, ‘Who’s There?’

Study Finds 87% Of Home Invasions Foiled After Homeowner Nervously Mutters, ‘Who’s There?’

Image for Federal Witness Protection Program Criticized For Failing To Create Believable Female Identities

Federal Witness Protection Program Criticized For Failing To Create Believable Female Identities

Image for Bounty Scientists Scream As Experimental Paper Towel Absorbs Entire Lab

Bounty Scientists Scream As Experimental Paper Towel Absorbs Entire Lab

Image for Prison Acknowledges Security Lapse That Led To Ghislaine Maxwell Spending Night In Noose Room

Prison Acknowledges Security Lapse That Led To Ghislaine Maxwell Spending Night In Noose Room

News In Photos

Image for Self-Important Asshole Making Big Show About Leaving Twitter

Self-Important Asshole Making Big Show About Leaving Twitter

Image for World Chess Championship Forced To Use Salt Shaker After Losing Bishop

World Chess Championship Forced To Use Salt Shaker After Losing Bishop

Image for Kyle Rittenhouse Sentenced To 45 Years Of CPAC Appearances

Kyle Rittenhouse Sentenced To 45 Years Of CPAC Appearances

Image for ‘Order, Order,’ Shouts Judge In Kyle Rittenhouse Case While Shooting AR-15 At Ceiling

‘Order, Order,’ Shouts Judge In Kyle Rittenhouse Case While Shooting AR-15 At Ceiling

News With Video

Image for Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

News With Video

Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

Image for Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

News With Video

Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

Image for Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

News With Video

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

Image for Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder

News With Video

Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder

Now: Focus

Image for 6-Year-Old Explains How Messed Up It Is That Her Entire Life Has Been Put On Facebook

6-Year-Old Explains How Messed Up It Is That Her Entire Life Has Been Put On Facebook

Image for Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer

Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer

Image for Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

Image for Facebook Employees Explain Daily Struggle Of Trying To Care About Company's Unethical Practices When Gig So Cushy

Facebook Employees Explain Daily Struggle Of Trying To Care About Company's Unethical Practices When Gig So Cushy

ODS

Image for How To Beat Procrastination Is What I’ll Reveal After I Finish Up My New Anti-Procrastination System

Sponsored

How To Beat Procrastination Is What I’ll Reveal After I Finish Up My New Anti-Procrastination System

Image for Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up

Sponsored

Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up

Image for Three World-Shaping Visionaries Hail Cottonelle Flushable Wipes As Mankind’s Greatest Achievement

Sponsored

Three World-Shaping Visionaries Hail Cottonelle Flushable Wipes As Mankind’s Greatest Achievement

Image for This App Turns Your Photos Into Music If You Want To Do That For Some Reason

Sponsored

This App Turns Your Photos Into Music If You Want To Do That For Some Reason

Onion Info Clips

Image for 5 Things To Know About ‘Red Notice’

Onion Info Clips

5 Things To Know About ‘Red Notice’

Image for Highlights Of The COP26 Climate Summit

Onion Info Clips

Highlights Of The COP26 Climate Summit

Image for iPod Turns 20

Onion Info Clips

iPod Turns 20

Image for Nintendo 64 Turns 25

Onion Info Clips

Nintendo 64 Turns 25

Onion News Network

Image for ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

Image for ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

Image for ONN Exclusive: Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles

ONN Exclusive: Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles

Image for Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

Onion Review

Image for Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car

Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car

Image for Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders

Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders

Image for Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks

Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks

Image for Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image

Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image

Onion Social

Image for Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

Image for Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Image for Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data

Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data

Image for An Open Invitation From Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum

An Open Invitation From Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum

Slideshow

Image for Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday

Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday

Image for Most Idiotic Things Anti-Vaxxers Actually Think Will Cure Covid

Most Idiotic Things Anti-Vaxxers Actually Think Will Cure Covid

Image for Craziest Reasons People Are Afraid Of Teaching Critical Race Theory In Schools

Craziest Reasons People Are Afraid Of Teaching Critical Race Theory In Schools

Image for Everyday Benefits Of Ingesting Hallucinogens

Everyday Benefits Of Ingesting Hallucinogens

Tech

Image for Study: Technology Making It Easier For Mankind To Get More Annoyed Than Ever

Sponsored

Study: Technology Making It Easier For Mankind To Get More Annoyed Than Ever

Image for Google Engineers Invent New Body Part To Strap Gadgets Onto

Sponsored

Google Engineers Invent New Body Part To Strap Gadgets Onto

Image for 6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

Sponsored

6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

Image for Scientists Continue Developing Alternative Energy Sources For Americans To Waste

Sponsored

Scientists Continue Developing Alternative Energy Sources For Americans To Waste

Today Now

Image for 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

Image for How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

Image for This Week On Today Now!

This Week On Today Now!

Image for Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

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