Breaking NewsLazy EPA Tries To Claim They Successfully Brought Dogs Back From Brink Of ExtinctionWASHINGTON—Maintaining that the effort definitely happened and anyone who doubted them was probably just jealous, lazy officials at the Environmental Protection Agency claimed Monday that they’d successfully brought dogs back from the brink of…
Breaking NewsNation’s Mothers Announce Plans To Show You Their Spider VeinsWASHINGTON—Emphasizing that blood vessels were huge, hideous, and were ruining their legs, the nation’s mothers collectively announced plans Thursday to show you their spider veins. “My god, take a look at these big, disgusting things, they run all…
Breaking NewsSubway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started CovidMILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey confirmed Friday that he had just assumed this whole time that the virus originated with the restaurant chain’s Cold Cut…
InfographicPros And Cons Of Banning BooksBans on books in schools are on the rise, with states like Texas, Florida, and Pennsylvania targeting material some parents and educators believe is inappropriate for students, while critics of these policies point to consequences of such measures. T…
InterviewThe Onion’s Exclusive Interview With J.K. RowlingJ.K. Rowling: “Tell me which genitals you have right now.”
NewsSam Bankman-Fried Sobs After Accidentally Dropping Last Crypto Down Sewer GrateNASSAU, THE BAHAMAS—In the wake of the cryptocurrency exchange he founded filing for bankruptcy amid accusations of mismanaging funds, the last hopes of embattled former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried were reportedly extinguished Friday when several…
News In PhotosDemand Grows For Stricter Transit Regulations After Derailing Train Hits Airplane At 30,000 Feet
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