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Image for Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned for, Nestlé released a statement Friday announcing that consumers were free to sexualize Raisinets all they wanted. “Whether you want…

Image for Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit

Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit

WASHINGTON—Following a sudden jolt and an ear-splitting boom, oxygen masks reportedly dropped from the nation’s ceilings Wednesday after the Earth hit a rough patch in orbit. “Good afternoon, folks, we are asking that all Americans affix the yellow…

Image for Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal

Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal

CUPERTINO, CA—Sending shock waves through Wall Street with the once-in-a-generation acquisition, Apple revealed Wednesday that it had purchased tech giant Apple in a historic $3 trillion deal. “We’ve been fans of what Apple has been doing for quite…

Image for Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop

Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of distributing personal protective equipment during the latest wave of Covid-19, the Biden administration announced Wednesday it had placed a sign reading “take one” on a bowl of N95 masks and set it out on the…

Videos

Image for Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Enjoy This Free TikTok Cooling Station

Image for Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?

Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?

Image for We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

We Invited Logan Paul And BTS To Collab On A Video With Us And They Crashed Into Each Other On The Way Over

Image for How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

Infographic

Image for The Onion’s Guide To Web3

The Onion’s Guide To Web3

Image for Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp

Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp

Image for Fact Sheet: Curing Your Covid-19 With Urine

Fact Sheet: Curing Your Covid-19 With Urine

Image for Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time

Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time

Interview

Image for We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

Fauci: Yes, I’ve seen the cartoon drawings of me with a six-pack, and it’s flattering, obviously. I bought some for friends. It’s fun. I show them off at parties. I put them on my business card. It makes me laugh, you know? I put them up on my…

News

Image for God Regrets Never Learning Spanish

God Regrets Never Learning Spanish

Image for ‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There

‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There

Image for Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World

Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World

Image for ‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins

‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins

News In Brief

Image for Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

Image for Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop

Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop

Image for Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit

Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit

Image for Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal

Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal

News In Photos

Image for ISS Astronaut Opens Up Port Wearing Boxers, Slippers To Receive New Cargo Delivery

ISS Astronaut Opens Up Port Wearing Boxers, Slippers To Receive New Cargo Delivery

Image for New Hanes Shapewear Compresses Woman Into Flattering Trapezoid

New Hanes Shapewear Compresses Woman Into Flattering Trapezoid

Image for Hanes Introduces Second Bra To Support Shapely Rolls Formed By Regular Bra

Hanes Introduces Second Bra To Support Shapely Rolls Formed By Regular Bra

Image for ‘Can You Check The Back For 500 Million More Of These Covid Test Kits,’ Says Biden Picking Up Few Things From CVS

‘Can You Check The Back For 500 Million More Of These Covid Test Kits,’ Says Biden Picking Up Few Things From CVS

News With Video

Image for Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

News With Video

Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

Image for Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

News With Video

Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

Image for Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

News With Video

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

Image for Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder

News With Video

Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder

Now: Focus

Image for 6-Year-Old Explains How Messed Up It Is That Her Entire Life Has Been Put On Facebook

6-Year-Old Explains How Messed Up It Is That Her Entire Life Has Been Put On Facebook

Image for Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer

Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer

Image for Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

Image for Facebook Employees Explain Daily Struggle Of Trying To Care About Company's Unethical Practices When Gig So Cushy

Facebook Employees Explain Daily Struggle Of Trying To Care About Company's Unethical Practices When Gig So Cushy

ODS

Image for How To Beat Procrastination Is What I’ll Reveal After I Finish Up My New Anti-Procrastination System

Sponsored

How To Beat Procrastination Is What I’ll Reveal After I Finish Up My New Anti-Procrastination System

Image for Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up

Sponsored

Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up

Image for Three World-Shaping Visionaries Hail Cottonelle Flushable Wipes As Mankind’s Greatest Achievement

Sponsored

Three World-Shaping Visionaries Hail Cottonelle Flushable Wipes As Mankind’s Greatest Achievement

Image for This App Turns Your Photos Into Music If You Want To Do That For Some Reason

Sponsored

This App Turns Your Photos Into Music If You Want To Do That For Some Reason

Onion Info Clips

Image for 5 Things To Know About ‘Red Notice’

Onion Info Clips

5 Things To Know About ‘Red Notice’

Image for Highlights Of The COP26 Climate Summit

Onion Info Clips

Highlights Of The COP26 Climate Summit

Image for iPod Turns 20

Onion Info Clips

iPod Turns 20

Image for Nintendo 64 Turns 25

Onion Info Clips

Nintendo 64 Turns 25

Onion News Network

Image for ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

Image for ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

Image for ONN Exclusive: Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles

ONN Exclusive: Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles

Image for Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

Onion Review

Image for Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car

Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car

Image for Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders

Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders

Image for Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks

Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks

Image for Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image

Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image

Onion Social

Image for Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

Image for Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Image for Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data

Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data

Image for An Open Invitation From Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum

An Open Invitation From Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum

Slideshow

Image for Most Frequent Porn Searches By State

Most Frequent Porn Searches By State

Image for Leaked January 6 Texts To White House

Leaked January 6 Texts To White House

Image for Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday

Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday

Image for Most Idiotic Things Anti-Vaxxers Actually Think Will Cure Covid

Most Idiotic Things Anti-Vaxxers Actually Think Will Cure Covid

Tech

Image for Study: Technology Making It Easier For Mankind To Get More Annoyed Than Ever

Sponsored

Study: Technology Making It Easier For Mankind To Get More Annoyed Than Ever

Image for Google Engineers Invent New Body Part To Strap Gadgets Onto

Sponsored

Google Engineers Invent New Body Part To Strap Gadgets Onto

Image for 6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

Sponsored

6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

Image for Scientists Continue Developing Alternative Energy Sources For Americans To Waste

Sponsored

Scientists Continue Developing Alternative Energy Sources For Americans To Waste

Today Now

Image for 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

Image for How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

Image for This Week On Today Now!

This Week On Today Now!

Image for Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

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