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ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated

NEW YORK—Saying the hosts’ personal lives had become a distraction that threatened the program’s journalistic integrity, ABC News president Kimberly Godwin announced Friday that all Good Morning America anchors had been castrated. “At GMA, genitals…

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D.C. Landlord Clarifies He Rejected Gen Z Congressman Because He’s Black

WASHINGTON—In response to the Gen Z congressman-elect’s tweet that his apartment application was turned down due to bad credit, D.C. landlord Ray Forster reportedly clarified Friday that he actually rejected Maxwell Frost because he’s Black. “Bad…

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Pros And Cons Of AI-Generated Content

The rise of AI-generated art, writing, and other content using platforms like Lensa, DALL-E, and ChatGPT has led to debates about ethics, fair use, and potential unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of content generated by…

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U.S. Economy Rallies After Fed Releases Long List Of All The Fun Stuff Money Can Buy

‘Speedboats, Video Games, Ice Cream,’ Says Fed Chair Jerome Powell

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Money Is Tight This Week So Here's A Recipe For Five Tortilla Chips And Ketchup In A Bowl

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ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated

D.C. Landlord Clarifies He Rejected Gen Z Congressman Because He’s Black

Pros And Cons Of AI-Generated Content

U.S. Economy Rallies After Fed Releases Long List Of All The Fun Stuff Money Can Buy

Pros And Cons Of AI-Generated Content

What Is Americans’ Biggest Workplace Issue?

Pros And Cons Of Refusing Service Based On Religious Beliefs

The Onion’s Style Guide To Always Supporting The Police

We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

Sam Bankman-Fried Sobs After Accidentally Dropping Last Crypto Down Sewer Grate

Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings

CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools

BREAKING: The Onion Has Been Permanently Banned From Twitter

ABC Reveals All ‘GMA’ Anchors Have Been Castrated

D.C. Landlord Clarifies He Rejected Gen Z Congressman Because He’s Black

U.S. Economy Rallies After Fed Releases Long List Of All The Fun Stuff Money Can Buy

God Kicking Self For Not Coming Up With Hentai

Nation’s 56,000 Acres Of Spinach Crops Cooked Down To Single Half-Cup Serving

Campbell’s Introduces New Line Of Extra Hearty One-Chunk Soups

Saudis Celebrate Shocking World Cup Win By Flipping Over A Woman, Setting Her On Fire

Jay Leno Rushed To Hospital For Emergency Denim Grafts

Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

Report: Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘Cash! I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise

Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave

Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder

6-Year-Old Explains How Messed Up It Is That Her Entire Life Has Been Put On Facebook

Nation’s Mothers Describe How Nice It Would Be If You Lived Closer

Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

Facebook Employees Explain Daily Struggle Of Trying To Care About Company's Unethical Practices When Gig So Cushy

How To Beat Procrastination Is What I’ll Reveal After I Finish Up My New Anti-Procrastination System

Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up

Three World-Shaping Visionaries Hail Cottonelle Flushable Wipes As Mankind’s Greatest Achievement

This App Turns Your Photos Into Music If You Want To Do That For Some Reason

5 Things To Know About ‘Red Notice’

Highlights Of The COP26 Climate Summit

iPod Turns 20

Nintendo 64 Turns 25

ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter

ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God

ONN Exclusive: Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles

Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car

Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders

Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks

Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image

Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site’s Privacy Policy

Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans

Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data

An Open Invitation From Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum

Biggest Revelations From Ron DeSantis’ New Book ‘The Courage To Be Free’

Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s ‘Twitter Files’

What We Know About Elon Musk’s Neuralink Human Trials

Banned Users React To Elon Musk Allowing Them Back On Twitter

Study: Technology Making It Easier For Mankind To Get More Annoyed Than Ever

Google Engineers Invent New Body Part To Strap Gadgets Onto

6-Year-Old Data Entry Prodigy Already Entertaining Offers From Major Temp Agencies

Scientists Continue Developing Alternative Energy Sources For Americans To Waste

13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

This Week On Today Now!

Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth