Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping RingNEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefElon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To GrindLOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefKnife-Wielding Tesla Kills PedestrianBOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefKitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of HomeBENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the appliance a perfect addition to any kitchen, appliance manufacturer KitchenAid…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefStudy Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob TurnsMEDFORD, MA—With its groundbreaking new research into what causes acute episodes of panic, a study published…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefFebreze Introduces New Rotting Rat Carcass For Covering Up Tough OdorsCINCINNATI—Calling the air freshener their “strongest product yet,” executives at Febreze reportedly began marketing…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefL.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In NeighborhoodLOS ANGELES—Calling the situation within the city a “humanitarian disaster,” Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti pledged…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In Brief‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly HappensBUFFALO, NY—In the hours following a violent rampage in upstate New York in which a lone attacker killed 10…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing CountriesVEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNation’s Elderly Announce Plan To Be Sad And Lonely All The TimeBOCA RATON, FL—Addressing a retirement community bingo hall filled to capacity with empty folding chairs, the…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefHeroic Passenger Provides Emergency Beverage Service After Flight Attendant Falls IllBOCA RATON, FL—In a feat stunned observers called “miraculous” and “inspiring,” courageous passenger Erica Spencer,…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefStudy Finds Over 60% Of Men Suffer From Male-Pattern Head LossCHICAGO—Finding that a majority of men are likely to experience some form of it during their lifetime, a study…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefPlan B Unveils Emergency Team Of Brawny Men To Shake Down Impregnator For Abortion MoneyPITTSBURGH—In what is being hailed as a revolutionary advancement in women’s reproductive healthcare, Foundation…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefGoogle Maps Adds Shortcuts Through Houses Of People Google Knows Aren’t Home Right NowMOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as an efficient way for users to reach their destinations faster, Google…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefStudy Finds Only 2% Of Americans Can Draw Cool FlamesPITTSBURGH—Fears that the U.S. education system was growing increasingly lame were confirmed Thursday when an…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefDisrobing Austrian Man Asks World To Give Themselves Over To PleasureMÜRZZUSCHLAG, AUSTRIA—Speaking at a press conference held at resort high in the Semmering Pass, Austrian man Fritz…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefPetSmart Unveils New Waterboarding Kit For Teaching Cats To Stay Off CountersPHOENIX—Touting the product as an easy and effective way to train animal companions, PetSmart unveiled a new…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefStudy Finds Thanking Veterans For Their Service Immediately Triggers PTSDNEW YORK—Confirming the practice to be the single-most common cause for inducing symptoms of the mental health…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefMissouri Welcomes Women Unable To Get Arrested For Abortion In Home StateJEFFERSON CITY, MO—Pledging to remain a haven for residents of surrounding states if Roe v. Wade is overturned, Gov.…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefStudy Finds Flying On Airplane Far Safer Than Flying In CarCHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In an effort to dispel long-standing misconceptions surrounding aviation safety, researchers at…