Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefConservatives Question Why FBI Raided Mar-A-Lago While Dick Dastardly Remains FreeTALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that authorities were ignoring the real criminals in favor of a targeted witch hunt against…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefReport: Not Protecting Children Very Well Saved U.S. $5 Trillion Over Last DecadeBALTIMORE—Amid concerns about economic stagnation and rising federal debt, an encouraging report released Monday by…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefFBI Sent Itemized Bill For 12-Hour Stay At Mar-A-LagoPALM BEACH, FLORIDA—Faxing the government agency a detailed invoice days after a raid at the property, a Mar-A-Lago…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefStartling Evidence Finds Pentagon Failed To Stop Pakistani Wedding Despite Prior KnowledgeWASHINGTON—Calling into question the Defense Department’s tactical readiness, startling evidence released Friday…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefDepartment Of Transportation Reduces Commute Times By Adding Highway Nitro StripsWASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project would significantly cut drive times nationwide, the Department of…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefFBI Turns Over Mar-A-Lago Documents To Dork Agent Who Loves ReadingWASHINGTON—Following this week’s raid on former President Donald Trump’s Florida property, the FBI reportedly turned…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefChicago Defends Relocating Polluting Factory To Black Family’s KitchenCHICAGO—In response to outcry among South Side residents, Chicago officials reportedly defended Thursday relocating…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefSNAP Recipients Now Required To Prove Need By Eating All Their Groceries On SpotWASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants’ eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefPrison Charges Inmate $1 Per Minute For Time With Photo Of FamilySAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefAstronaut Clearly Only Selected For Mission Because He’s Related To MoonWASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNew ‘BroSludge’ Company Markets Orange Guck For MenCHICAGO—Touting its trendy, male-centric healthcare product, a new company called “BroSludge” debuted a marketing…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefRelieved Trump Thought Mar-A-Lago Raid Was About All The BodiesBEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents,…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefSerena Williams Announces Retirement From Tennis To Focus On Dominating Field Of MotherhoodJUPITER, FL—Suggesting the upcoming U.S. Open could very well be her last tournament, Serena Williams announced…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefGreat Britain Returns Looted Stonehenge Back To IndiaLONDON—In its most significant acknowledgement yet of the British Empire’s well-documented appropriation of cultural…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNew Public Safety Campaign Dissuades Mass Shooters With Reminder That They’re Kind Of An Obvious Choice NowNEW YORK—In an effort to tamp down on the gun violence epidemic, a new public safety campaign launched Tuesday by…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefStudy Finds Fewer Millennials Choosing To Become Good ParentsWASHINGTON—In an analysis of data collected from more than 60,000 U.S. households, a new study released by the Pew…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefHHS Declares You Can’t Let Monkeypox Hold You Back If You Have Chance To Get LaidWASHINGTON—Emphasizing that sometimes, some things are just too good to pass up, the U.S. Department of Health and…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefEpidemiologist Blows Conch Horn After Spotting New Covid Variant Cresting Over HorizonGENEVA—Taking a deep breath and sounding the alarm for all in the land to hear, epidemiologist Hans Zehnder…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefNavy Spends Majority Of Boot Camp Training Recruits To Fence Using MarlinsGREAT LAKES, IL—Saying he was surprised by how much the maritime service branch focuses on the discipline, seaman…
Breaking NewsNews In BriefBreaking NewsNews In BriefDoctors Suggest Treating Back Pain With Maybe Some Kind Of High-Tech Robot Back ThingROCHESTER, MN—Indicating that an electronic spine-replacement device would drastically increase physical well-being…