Breaking NewsBreaking NewsElon Musk Claims Women He Impregnated Were All TerminalBOCA CHICA, TX—Denying reports that the specimens had all died excruciating and painful deaths, Elon Musk told…PublishedSeptember 14, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsWorst Job In Every StateAmericans all across the country are always busting their asses for shit pay and no goddamn benefits. The Onion…PublishedSeptember 13, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNew Stitch Fix Subscription Service Sends Same Dumpy T-Shirt Wife HatesSAN FRANCISCO—Advertising a large selection of ripped, stained clothes that were all over 15 years old, a new Stitch…PublishedSeptember 13, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsPrison Abolitionist Must Want Rapists To Just Freely Frolic In Field Around MaypoleCHICAGO—Deriding the man’s views on criminal rehabilitation as hopelessly idealistic, sources reported Tuesday that…PublishedSeptember 12, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNew iPhone 15 Includes 12 Animal Sounds And Colorful LeverCUPERTINO, CA—In a stunning conclusion to the highly anticipated keynote address, Apple announced Tuesday that the…PublishedSeptember 12, 2023
Breaking NewsNews In PhotosBreaking NewsNews In PhotosDurex Introduces Latex Drop Cloth For Wider Spray RadiusPublishedSeptember 12, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsInstacart Valuation Crashes As Americans Realize They Can Do Some Things For ThemselvesSAN FRANCISCO—With the grocery delivery company filing an IPO that suggested it was worth tens of billions of…PublishedSeptember 11, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsStudy: More Americans Buying AR-15s To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their GunsWASHINGTON—Shedding light on the enduring appeal behind assault rifle ownership, a Pew study released Monday…PublishedSeptember 11, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsWhite House Rebrands Situation Room As Dark, Moody ‘Club Situation’WASHINGTON—Touting the renovation as a long-overdue effort to bring the U.S. government’s command and control hub…PublishedSeptember 8, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsFTC Issues Fines For Sassy Retail Employees Who Cut Declined Credit Cards In HalfWASHINGTON—Cracking down on the common but unethical practice seemingly rampant in department stores, the Federal…PublishedSeptember 8, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsSmithsonian Acquires Giant Catapult Harriet Tubman Used To Launch Slaves To FreedomWASHINGTON—Devoting a new exhibit to the ballistic device famously associated with the iconic abolitionist, the…PublishedSeptember 8, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNew Florida Law Requires Teachers To Deliver Approved Curriculum From Electrified CagesTALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to enforce recent changes to Florida’s K-12 standards for social studies classes, a new…PublishedSeptember 8, 2023
Breaking NewsInfographicBreaking NewsInfographicWhat To Know About Burning ManThe annual desert campout Burning Man made headlines over the weekend after heavy rains temporarily stranded more…PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNew PETA Ad Seems To Imply That Throwing Horses Out Of Planes Common PracticeNORFOLK, VA—In a new campaign featuring several graphic images of the animals falling from 30,000 feet in the sky, …PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsCourt Upholds Congressional Map That Sealed Black Voters In Impenetrable CubeJACKSON, MS—Concluding that the lightless, indestructible structure did not breach the state’s constitution, the…PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNew Disney+ Bundle Comes With Full Custody Of Users’ KidsBURBANK, CA—In a new strategy to grow their subscriber count, the Walt Disney Company unveiled a Disney+ bundle…PublishedSeptember 5, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsHarvard Graduate Raises Over $300 Million From Angel Investors With Drawing Of Flying DogSAN FRANCISCO—In one of the biggest funding rounds so far this year, Harvard Business School graduate Josh Paulsen…PublishedSeptember 5, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsSafety Campaign Teaches New Parents That Babies Can Die In Just 1 Or 2 Inches Of LavaOLYMPIA, WA—In an effort to bring more awareness to an often overlooked issue, a safety campaign was launched…PublishedSeptember 5, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsNation’s Scientists Announce Everything Science-Wise Is RegularWASHINGTON—Offering insight into what’s currently happening in the field of science, the American Association for…PublishedSeptember 4, 2023
Breaking NewsBreaking NewsHighlights From Rudy Giuliani’s Apartment ListingFacing massive legal bills, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is selling his Manhattan apartment to avoid…PublishedSeptember 4, 2023