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BREAKING: Our Intern Is Being Forced Into A Hunger Strike Until Twitter Lifts Our Ban

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CHICAGO—In accordance with the fine print in his contract, The Onion’s intern Sam Kotson was forced into a hunger strike Thursday, a protest that will continue until Twitter lifts our ban. “As of this morning, our low-level unpaid intern will be forcibly compelled to forgo all food until Twitter ends its malignant campaign of censorship and reinstates The Onion’s account,” said Onion HR representative Elina Haskett, explaining that Kotson, who had been handcuffed and shackled to a cast iron pipe, would be required to abstain from water in addition to food for the duration of the Twitter ban. “We have used ipecac to induce vomiting, ensuring that the intern starts off from a baseline of no food in his stomach. Soon, that same stomach will begin to digest itself in a desperate attempt to consume something, anything to stave off assured starvation. We hope Twitter does the right thing and revokes the ban on our account before something tragic happens.” At press time, our intern’s fragile life was reportedly in the hands of Twitter’s board of directors.