YOUR LOCATION—Noting that a complete scan of your memory storage had found spyware that could harm your data and compromise your privacy, a late-breaking report released Thursday confirmed that The Onion has detected a virus on your computer and the only way to make your personal computer safe for use was to download the award-winning antivirus software OnionSweep. “Your critical documents have been compromised,” read a preliminary report from the service’s web suite, warning that you must download OnionSweep at once to ensure all of your files are cleared before the virus can spread further. “We have found...13,790 infected items on your desktop. Please click the following link to clean your desktop using the Internet’s premiere virus-prevention program.” Sources went on to stress that in order to gain access to OnionSweep, those with compromised CPUs should send $59.99 to 43-0210 Zweibel Way, Maseru, Lesotho to receive a download link in 5 to 8 weeks.
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