In an unprecedented move certain to bring the entire tech industry to its knees, The Onion proudly announces this afternoon that it has purchased a 0.000000125% stake in Twitter.
Our decision to buy a stake in Twitter follows a prolonged and heavily publicized battle with the social media company. In recent hours, we had taken to Twitter to criticize Twitter for banning our Twitter account. But after a public pressure campaign failed to obtain the results we desired, and we realized it was almost time to go home for the day, we were left with no option but to take matters into our own hands.
The share of stock we have amassed officially makes The Onion one of Twitter’s loudest shareholders. The news has already sent Twitter stocks surging an astounding three points, the biggest one-day gain ever seen in the stock market.
We eagerly await our appointment to the board of directors and look forward to implementing the plethora of ideas we have to improve the platform, such as adding a “like” button so that users can “like” each other’s tweets.
Surely we can all agree that in a democratic society, there is nothing more important than The Onion’s free speech.
The Onion Editorial Board