BREAKING: Wait—Sorry, False Alarm

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‘As You Were’

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WASHINGTON—In a shocking development revealed just moments ago, sources confirmed that—oh, wait, sorry, false alarm. Multiple reports confirmed that, despite late-breaking suggestions to the contrary, you can actually forget about this news item and return to whatever you were doing before seeing this. In fact, sources have now informed reporters that we kind of jumped the gun on publishing this article at all, let alone labeling it “breaking” news. Frankly, sources concluded, this was our bad for getting you all worked up over nothing. Although, hold on one second, because several reports are now suggesting that it might still be worth keeping an eye on this story to see if—no, hold on, on second thought, just forget we said anything.