WASHINGTON—In a statement confirming his support of the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision on lethal injection and the Eighth Amendment, Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh reiterated his belief Monday that cruel and unusual punishment was “what makes someone a true Kappa.” “The Amendments to the Constitution are full of nuance, and it’s time the court acknowledged that actions so often classified as ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ are actually vital in helping young guys claim their spot in the Kappa brotherhood,” said Kavanaugh, who cited his personal experience in rushing a fraternity and the vital role severe pain, terror, and shame played in thoroughly vetting the ideal Delta Kappa Epsilon member. “If you’re creating a frat brother from scratch, you want a guy who can inflict excessive suffering in a worthless piece of shit pledge who drinks like a little bitch. Without subjecting a pledge to excessive pain and suffering, there’s no way for the rest of the frat to know who can handle their shit and who would be better off with the total fucking pussies in Pike.” Kavanaugh also concluded that the death row inmate at the center of the Supreme Court case was “clearly not cut out for the best frat on campus.”

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