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British World Cup Attendees Accused Of Smuggling Alcohol Into Stadium Through Bloodstreams

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DOHA, QATAR—Pulling dozens of U.K. soccer fans aside for additional questioning, Qatari authorities accused British World Cup attendees of defying the tournament’s total ban on alcohol and smuggling beer into the stadium through their bloodstreams, FIFA officials confirmed Monday. “It’s disappointing to see so many British fans blatantly disrespect our World Cup hosts by entering the stadium with enough alcohol in their bodies to intoxicate everyone watching the match,” said FIFA spokesperson Tarek Mojica, who added that security could smell large quantities of lager and cider during both the England and Wales matches on Monday, but initially failed to pinpoint its source, not realizing the odor was emanating from the pores of people in the stands. “It was difficult to find the beverages at first, because they concealed them pretty well, tucking them away in their stomachs, livers, and bladders. But ultimately, we located the contraband and had these fans removed from the stadium. We made the policy extremely clear beforehand, asking ticket holders from the U.K. to either sober up or stay home, but apparently some thought the rules didn’t apply to them. Beer, mixed drinks, alcopop—you name it. They had it stashed in every single capillary.” At press time, FIFA confirmed that British fans would still have the opportunity to attend World Cup matches so long as they agreed to empty out their veins in a trash can at the gate.