Following the backlash to Anheuser-Busch partnering with trans woman Dylan Mulvaney, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they’re boycotting Budweiser and this is what they said.
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“I was under the impression Bud Light was a transphobic beverage.”
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“I don’t like a beer profiting off anything but traditional American alcoholism.”
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“Oh, I’m not quitting Bud Light for political reasons. It’s court ordered.”
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“I’m too busy doing genital inspections for children’s sports teams to drink it anyways.”
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“My relevance is waning.”
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“Once you get a little taste of blood, beer doesn’t cut it anymore.”
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“Getting worked up about an actual issue seems like a lot of learning and thinking.”
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“Heineken just tastes gayer.”
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“Honest to god, I drank a Bud Light, and my penis fell right off.”
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“They’re grooming me.”
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“I do not have even a rudimentary understanding of how marketing works.”
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“Why does she get to be on the can? Why not me? Is Ben not pretty too?”
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“I don’t want to like anything. I want no joy in my life. I want to always be angry and miserable.”
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“I’m hoping if I show my tits and film myself using an AR-15 to shoot a can, then incels on the internet will pay my mortgage.”
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“I’m in so much physical and emotional pain and I don’t know how to express it.”
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“Oh, I killed myself a few months ago when the sexy M&M got tennis shoes.”
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“I believe beer should use the restroom that corresponds with its biological sex.”
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“Whiskey just tastes better.”
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“I obviously only drank Bud Light in the first place because I can’t stand any form of depth or nuance.”
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“Because they’re doing something absolutely reprehensible: manufacturing and distributing an addictive substance.”
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“I prefer the taste of Michelob Ultra anyway, and I know whoever owns them would never turn beer into a political statement.”
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“If we could bankrupt Starbucks, I know we can win against Budweiser, too.”
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“I boycott any company that tramples on the rights of Americans, whether it’s Bud Light, Walmart, Ford, Tesla, Amazon, McDonald’s, Halliburton, Circle K, basically the entire hotel industry, the vast majority of hospitals, and almost everyone who produces, makes, or distributes food.”
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