FARMINGTON, NM—Decrying the large, mostly empty hole they had just excavated as a “total goddamned tease,” angry investigators confirmed Tuesday that a bullshit mass grave was actually just one guy. “What the fuck—are you seriously going to tell me this whole mass grave is honest-to-God just one stupid fucking guy?” said lead investigator Greg Jessup, who then loudly added that they didn’t just spend all this fucking time digging up several tons of dirt to find one skull, one pair of teeth, and two dismembered hands. “No, no, no! When you say the words ‘mass grave,’ I’m expecting to find families, friends, maybe even a whole goddamned city slain together against their will in some heinous act of violence! Not a weirdo buried there all alone like some kind of goddamn freak. Seriously, what the fuck?” At press time, Jessup was reportedly elated after he had told his team to keep digging and they accidentally stumbled upon hundreds and hundreds of bodies.