Buttigieg Reveals $90 Billion Plan To Revamp Balsa Wood Bridges For Miniature Americans

Illustration for article titled Buttigieg Reveals $90 Billion Plan To Revamp Balsa Wood Bridges For Miniature Americans

WASHINGTON—Calling the infrastructure project an overture to a long-neglected corner of the country, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced a major $90 billion plan Monday to revamp America’s balsa wood bridges for miniature Americans. “Far too often, we have overlooked the transportation needs of our little-bitty countrymen and women—this bold new initiative will secure enough craft glue, sandpaper, and X-Acto knives to make sure that never happens again,” said Buttigieg in a press conference in which he described plans to produce sturdy 1:87-scale bridges, as well as a fleet of airplane gliders in the department’s basement to help the tiniest Americans get around. “It’s unacceptable that in the United States of America, our tiniest citizens cannot even navigate a Tonka Truck onto one of these bridges without fear of the structure collapsing. But we’re going beyond just fixing these problems by also adding beautiful HO scale pine trees and spray-painting the wood silver so they look like real metal. Gosh, it’s going to be so cool.” At press time, Buttigieg had come under fire from conservative pundits who compared the push to the sort of miniaturized social planning unseen since Mao Zedong’s Teeny-Tiny Leap Forward.