MARFA, TX—Completely unfazed by the countless screaming, blood-covered mall-goers who frantically sprinted past them, local bystanders Kevin Steele, Justin Reynolds, and Derek Davis were reportedly too busy complimenting each other’s guns Thursday to stop a mass shooting. “Oh my gosh, is that seriously an original, German-made, 1985 model Sig Sauer P226? I’ve been such a huge fan of those things ever since they came on the market,” said Steele, who, while admiring the sturdy metal frame, intricately engraved wooden handle, and 9 x 19 mm Parabellum chamber of Reynolds’ gun, fully missed the fact that an active shooter was rampaging just feet away from them, shooting thousands of rounds of ammunition from a semi-automatic right past their heads. “Aw, thanks, I love my Glock 19 too. I really like the 17-round capacity; plus, it doesn’t hurt that this baby doesn’t have a safety. But come on, your Sig was actually the exact kind that the Navy Seals used to use! Wait, seriously? Yes, I would love to hold it. Here, take mine. Gun swap!” At press time, both Steele, Davis, and Reynolds were too busy pretending to make each other’s guns kiss to notice that they were about to be mistakenly killed by police.
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