Sweetheart, The Day You Were Conceived Was The Best Day Of My Life
I didn’t know what to expect on that day 15 years ago when I began my journey into motherhood. I had no idea how…
‘The Onion’ Has Chosen To Publish An Anonymous Op-Ed From Two Sources Close To Trump Who Think Their Dad Is The Best President Ever
Today, The Onion is making an unusual editorial decision, and we want to explain why. As turmoil continues to increase…
I’m Not Sure Why I Should Suffer For Something I Did 10 Years Ago And Would Do Again In A Heartbeat
Recently, several accusations have been made against me—eight women have come forward to claim I made inappropriate…
‘The Onion’ Proudly Stands With The Media As The Enemy Of The People
In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press…
Love On A Budget
Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would…
I Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of Gold
As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once,…
Daddy, I Don’t Want To Live In The World Your Website Has Created
Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means a…
Cowardly Michael Cohen Chooses To Betray President, Go To Prison Rather Than Meet Face-To-Face With ‘The Onion’
The Onion holds the virtues of integrity, courage, and accountability above all others, and after more than two…
As A Facebook Employee, I Was Ordered To Bury Thousands Of Stories About Mark Zuckerberg’s Human Zoo
For too long, I have kept quiet. For too long, I convinced myself that what we were doing at Facebook—bringing people…
In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President
The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s…
Whether You Lean To The Right Or Lean To The Left, Can We All Just Agree To Cha-Cha Real Smooth Now?
As we look out across this dance floor, and across the broader spectrum of our culture, it is tempting to conclude we…
‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience
In a free press, journalists must expose the truth even if it upsets those in power. Our work often leads to…
The Time Is Now To Clean Up This Soup I Just Spilled Everywhere
As I look around this kitchen, I see people paralyzed by a daunting situation. What began as the promise of a…
It’s Shameful That We Continue To Pay College Athletes Nothing While The Whistle Industry Reaps Massive Profits From Their Labor
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been obsessed with college sports. Over the years, I’ve bonded with my buddies as we…
Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance
When we ignore the lessons learned by previous generations, we do so at our own peril. It is foolish, if not the height…
TGI Fridays Is A Human Right
Each of us, regardless of the circumstances of our birth, is entitled to basic human dignity. That means freedom from…
My Great-Grandfather Came To This Country With Nothing But $10 In His Pocket, $300,000 In His Bank Account, And A Dream
When I stop and think about all the strides my family has made since my great-grandfather Wenzel immigrated to America,…
I’m Sort Of The Abusive Mom Of My Friend Group
Ever since high school, my friends and I have had our own little roles to play within our group. Elise is the stylish…
Are You Really Just Going To Lie There?
Hey, baby, I don’t want to ruin the mood right when things are starting to heat up, but is something wrong? It seems…
I Just Found Out About Socks, And I’ve Gotta Say, Wow
Look, I’m the last person to blindly glom onto whatever hot new lifestyle trend is popular at the moment, but this time…
