Jan 19Commentary1/19/21Commentary1/19/21Welfare CheckHow glad I am that that absolute heckscape known as 2020 is finally over! Whew! I don’t care if the year made the…
Nov 22 2019Commentary11/22/19Commentary11/22/19Yes, Gandhi’s ‘Civilization VI’ Outfit Is Sexy, But It Would Be Seriously Impractical On A Real BattlefieldOver the years, the gaming community has been wracked with debates and controversies about the over-sexualization of…
Nov 8 2019Commentary11/8/19Commentary11/8/19‘The Onion’ Launches New Cover-Up Desk To Suppress Today’s Most Damning StoriesAs many controversial stories have recently demonstrated, journalists play a significant role in determining how a…
Nov 7 2019Commentary11/7/19Commentary11/7/19I Have To Admit, I Spoil Dax ShepardI have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself…
Oct 31 2019Commentary10/31/19Commentary10/31/19It’s Long Past Time For Jack-O’-Lanterns To Decide Once And For All If They Are On The Side Of Humans Or The Side Of DemonsEach fall, we welcome the sight of jack-o’-lanterns. They beautify our porches, light the paths to our doors, and,…
Oct 14 2019Commentary10/14/19Commentary10/14/19For Its 33rd Year, OGN Adamantly Refuses To Report On The Pinball Expo ‘Flip Out’ Tournament Or Any Pinball-Related NewsSince its inception, the Onion Gamers Network has prided itself on being the number-one source for all…
Sep 23 2019Commentary9/23/19Commentary9/23/19Years Of Playing Tower Defense Games Can’t Prepare You For The Responsibilities Of Defending A Real TowerThe divide between games and reality is vast. Though it can feel like you’re getting better and honing your skills…
Sep 17 2019Commentary9/17/19Commentary9/17/19I Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways…Hi, I’m Kevin Costner. In 1995, I was in a pretty big-budget movie called Waterworld, and a major plot point of Water…
Aug 7 2019Commentary8/7/19Commentary8/7/19Nintendo Never Should Have Pandered To Women And Created A Female MarioNintendo has made some missteps over the years, whether it was the disappointing Wii U or basically every Star Fox…
Jul 11 2019Commentary7/11/19Commentary7/11/19At The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I WantedWhen you strike it big as a children’s author, your life changes dramatically. The money starts pouring in, and then…
May 29 2019Commentary5/29/19Commentary5/29/19Honey, If You Ever Have Any Questions About Sex, You Can Always Consult The Hundreds Of Pages Of Fan Fiction In My ClosetWell, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of…
May 21 2019Commentary5/21/19Commentary5/21/19People Criticizing ‘Anthem’ Don’t Understand The Developer’s Vision Of A Game That Had To Come Out This Past Fiscal YearEver since Anthem was released in February, players have been slamming BioWare and EA because the repetitive…
May 15 2019Commentary5/15/19Commentary5/15/19Traveling Is An Incredible Way To Meet Vulnerable People Nobody Will Go Looking ForMany travel for the pleasures of sightseeing. Others to experience a different culture: its history, its art, its…
May 10 2019Commentary5/10/19Commentary5/10/19Islam Is Incompatible With Country-Western CultureThere’s been some changes lately ’round these parts. Spilling over the countryside from hill to holler, Muslim…
May 7 2019Commentary5/7/19Commentary5/7/19Bye!So you’ve probably heard about the new report saying human-caused climate change is putting about a million…
May 2 2019Commentary5/2/19Commentary5/2/19Thank God We Didn’t Have Written Language Back When I Was A TeenagerI tell ya, times sure have changed since I was a boy. Nowadays in our fast-paced Copper Age civilization, people are…
Apr 29 2019Commentary4/29/19Commentary4/29/19After Decades As A Print-Only Publication, Onion Gamers Network Has Decided That The Internet Is The Future Of Video Game JournalismSince our founding in 1947—years before the creation of video games—the Onion Gamers Network has remained at the…
Apr 25 2019Commentary4/25/19Commentary4/25/19I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’sSince we opened our first location in Sauk City, WI in 1984, Culver’s has become a beloved institution across the…
Apr 18 2019Commentary4/18/19Commentary4/18/19The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller ReportAfter tirelessly poring over the Special Counsel’s recently released findings, The Onion can confidently report that…