Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog
SPRINGVILLE, UT—Concerned by the disturbing changes in her behavior since she discovered the site earlier this year,…
Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop
HOUSTON—Concluding the emotional response occurs shortly after the initial crack and thud, a study published Wednesday…
Onion Social CEO: ‘We’re Proud To Announce The First Genital Recognition Software’
UPDATE: Onion Social announced today that the site was recently victim to a massive security breach, compromising…
New Alternate-History Drama Examines What Would Have Happened If Nazis Won 1991 NBA Finals
NEW YORK—Adding to its lineup an alternate-history drama that has been hotly anticipated by viewers and critics alike,…
‘Sometimes Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,’ Says Man Who Accidentally Turned Shower Knob Wrong Way
HARRODSBURG, KY—Moments after he mistakenly turned the shower knob in the wrong direction, local man Dennis Rowley…
Experts Warn Beef Could Act As Gateway Meat To Human Flesh
BETHESDA, MD—In an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the National…
‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits
NEO-SEATTLE—Decrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics was…
Report: God Directly Communicating With You Through This Headline
EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the…
Cows Go Extinct
WASHINGTON—In a deeply disturbing finding that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and the world, officials from…
San Diego Zoo Unveils Severed Rhino Head Attached To Steel Frame As Part Of New Conceptual Wildlife Exhibit
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to challenge traditionally held views about animals and their habitats, the San Diego Zoo…
U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle
ARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth…
Facebook Announces Plan To Combat Fake News Stories By Making Them Actually Happen
MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on its…
Dozens Of Other Countries That Interfered In 2016 Election Annoyed Russia Getting All The Credit
WASHINGTON—Complaining that U.S. investigations into foreign interference in the election have gotten almost everything…
Military Historians Discover Majority Of Human Warfare Fought By Disguised Women Taking Place Of Ailing Fathers
LEXINGTON, VA—Upending generations of conventional wisdom about the nature of armed conflict, a new study published…
Cleveland Finishes Construction On New Elevated Sewer System
CLEVELAND—Saying the bold new infrastructure project would serve the needs of local residents through the 21st century…
Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War
WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor…
Ra Wins Westminster God Show
NEW YORK—Commending his healthy frame, impeccable lineage, and ability to form light and order from the primordial…
U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend
ARLINGTON, VA—In what many are calling a long-overdue response to a clear weak spot in the defenses of U.S. military…
Local Goose Finally Lands Spot At Tip Of ‘V’
SARASOTA, FL—Telling reporters his hard work, tenacity, and dedication to the flock had at long last paid off, a local…
Dancing, Pantsless Rex Tillerson Slides Across Floor Of Empty State Department
WASHINGTON—Leaping out from behind a wall as Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” blared from the building’s intercom,…
