Onion Social CEO: âWeâre Proud To Announce The First Genital Recognition Softwareâ
PALO ALTO, CAâTouting the unparalleled precision and numerous uses of its new state-of-the-art security feature, OnionâŚ
New Alternate-History Drama Examines What Would Have Happened If Nazis Won 1991 NBA Finals
NEW YORKâAdding to its lineup an alternate-history drama that has been hotly anticipated by viewers and critics alike,âŚ
âSometimes Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,â Says Man Who Accidentally Turned Shower Knob Wrong Way
HARRODSBURG, KYâMoments after he mistakenly turned the shower knob in the wrong direction, local man Dennis RowleyâŚ
Experts Warn Beef Could Act As Gateway Meat To Human Flesh
BETHESDA, MDâIn an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the NationalâŚ
âPolitics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,â Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits
NEO-SEATTLEâDecrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics wasâŚ
Report: God Directly Communicating With You Through This Headline
EARTHâSingling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, theâŚ
Cows Go Extinct
WASHINGTONâIn a deeply disturbing finding that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and the world, officials fromâŚ
San Diego Zoo Unveils Severed Rhino Head Attached To Steel Frame As Part Of New Conceptual Wildlife Exhibit
SAN DIEGOâIn an effort to challenge traditionally held views about animals and their habitats, the San Diego ZooâŚ
U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle
ARLINGTON, VAâIn a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the EarthâŚ
Facebook Announces Plan To Combat Fake News Stories By Making Them Actually Happen
MENLO PARK, CAâResponding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on itsâŚ
Dozens Of Other Countries That Interfered In 2016 Election Annoyed Russia Getting All The Credit
WASHINGTONâComplaining that U.S. investigations into foreign interference in the election have gotten almost everythingâŚ
Military Historians Discover Majority Of Human Warfare Fought By Disguised Women Taking Place Of Ailing Fathers
LEXINGTON, VAâUpending generations of conventional wisdom about the nature of armed conflict, a new study publishedâŚ
Cleveland Finishes Construction On New Elevated Sewer System
CLEVELANDâSaying the bold new infrastructure project would serve the needs of local residents through the 21st centuryâŚ
Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War
WALTHAM, MAâHeralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractorâŚ
Ra Wins Westminster God Show
NEW YORKâCommending his healthy frame, impeccable lineage, and ability to form light and order from the primordialâŚ
U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend
ARLINGTON, VAâIn what many are calling a long-overdue response to a clear weak spot in the defenses of U.S. militaryâŚ
Local Goose Finally Lands Spot At Tip Of âVâ
SARASOTA, FLâTelling reporters his hard work, tenacity, and dedication to the flock had at long last paid off, a localâŚ
Dancing, Pantsless Rex Tillerson Slides Across Floor Of Empty State Department
WASHINGTONâLeaping out from behind a wall as Bob Segerâs âOld Time Rock and Rollâ blared from the buildingâs intercom,âŚ
Man Always Gets Emotional On Anniversary Of Fatherâs Death He Orchestrated
PHOENIXâSaying this time of year always dredges up memories of that fateful night, local man Alan Dahlgren admittedâŚ
Mutant Hockey League Worried City Of St. Mucus Wonât Publicly Finance New Arena For Ooze
ST. MUCUSâExpressing concern that the team might choose to relocate if a deal were not struck by the end of theâŚ
