Black Father Gives Son The Talk About Holding Literally Any Object
NORRISTOWN, PA—Deciding his firstborn was old enough to learn about the cultural dangers of having things in his hands,…
Report: This Not A Gun
NEW YORK—In a discovery that flies in the face of conventional law enforcement wisdom of what does and does not…
Fuming Rachel Maddow Spends Entire Show Just Pointing Wildly At Picture Of Putin
NEW YORK—Enraged to the point that she was no longer able to form words, a fuming Rachel Maddow spent an entire episode…
ICE Agents Feeling A Little Hurt That Trump Doesn’t Think They’re Doing Enough To Terrorize Hispanics
FLORENCE, AZ—Saying they’d like to see the National Guard try to do a better job, thousands of U.S. Immigration and…
Gynecologists Recommend Taking Time Off Between IUDs To Allow Body To Expel Backlogged Periods
ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to promote optimal women’s health, gynecologists at the Mayo Clinic recommended Thursday…
Study Reveals 93% Of Americans Don’t Know Their Congressperson Truly, Utterly, The Way Only Two Souls Entwined Can
STANFORD, CA—Saying representatives and senators alike must find time to usher their constituents out of their lonely,…
Woman Who Choked To Death Alone In Apartment Kicked Out Of Book Club For Missing Last 2 Meetings
ALEXANDRIA, VA—Deciding to expel longtime member Colleen Ashford for missing the last two meetings, participants in a…
MLK’s Family Urges Nation To Spend Anniversary Of His Death Twisting His Words To Fit Own Political Agendas
ATLANTA—Calling on Americans to misinterpret absolutely everything the martyred activist stood for, the family of…
Authorities Fear YouTube Shooter Might Inspire Wave Of Copycat Content Creators
SAN BRUNO, CA—Cautioning against the possibility that disturbed video bloggers may seek to emulate the actions of Nasim…
Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch
LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the…
25-Year-Old Moving Into Comfortable, Rent-Free Arrangement In Parents’ Home Worried He’s Hit Rock Bottom
CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy…
Family Has Way Too Many Daughters For Them Not To Have Been Trying For Son
JUNEAU, AK—Saying it was clear the parents never intended to have such a large brood, sources confirmed Wednesday that…
New ‘Cut Off Your Genitals’ Challenge Gains Popularity Among Teens Online
MILWAUKEE—Noting an unprecedented increase in the number of cases involving juveniles with self-inflicted knife wounds,…
Oklahoma Leaders Claim Teachers’ Strike Betrays Values Of Nation’s 1914 Founding By Abraham Lincoln And Orville Redenbacher
OKLAHOMA CITY—Calling the demands to fully fund schools “a slap in the face” to the great men who built this country,…
Recently Discovered 13,000-Year-Old Footprints Reveal Humans Danced The Charleston Earlier Than First Thought
CALVERT ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA—In a discovery that defies all current theories concerning when developing humans…
New Poll Finds Public Becoming More Skeptical Of Profit-Driven Corporate Data Mine Powered By Human Misery
WASHINGTON—In what experts say is a slight cooling in attitudes towards the blatantly amoral enterprise of emotional…
Woman Knows Exactly Which Knife She’d Grab Out Of Cutlery Drawer In Event Of Home Invasion
AUSTIN, TX—Confident she could defend herself if an intruder ever broke into her home, local woman Annie Stover told…
Study: Coffee Drinkers At Far Higher Risk Of Having Mug Crash To Floor In Slow Motion After Hearing Their Father Is Dead
BERKELEY, CA—In a new study that explores the potentially traumatic effects of habitual caffeine consumption when…
Man In Political Argument Clearly Just Regurgitating Monologue From ‘Henry V’
BALTIMORE—Demonstrating far more passion for his beliefs and capacity for rhetorical flair than actual knowledge of…
Teen On Birthright Trip Hadn’t Expected To See So Many Dead Palestinians
JERUSALEM—Saying they were pretty hard to miss during her two-week visit to Israel, teenager Sarah Caplan told…