Study Suggests Onion Social Notifications 300 Times More Satisfying To Receive Than Facebook Notifications
EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the…
Tucker Carlson Angrily Explains Difference Between Good Baby And Bad Baby
NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News…
MS-13 Gang Leader Getting Some Pretty Great Ideas From Watching ICE Work
SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along…
Stephen Miller Furious At ProPublica For Only Releasing 7-Minute Recording Of Immigrant Children Sobbing
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic…
Encouraging Report Shows 45% Of Onion Social Users Survive Beta Testing
PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a…
Cops Bust Filthy, Unshaven Mark Zuckerberg For Selling Personal Data On Street Corner
SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted…
Report: Ants Having Some Kind Of Party Inside Crack In Pavement
SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources…
Working-Class Silicon Valley Residents Beg Onion Social To Demolish Their Homes For New Headquarters
SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way,…
Netflix Defends ‘Queer Eye’ Episode Where The Fab Five Forced To Euthanize Completely Hopeless Slob
LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of…
Jeff Sessions Argues Family Separations Only Happening Because Current Law Doesn’t Allow Him To Strangle Immigrants With Bare Hands
WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department’s “zero tolerance” policy stripping migrant children away…
Laura Bush Publishes Courageous Op-Ed Calling For Imprisonment Of Whoever Created ICE
WASHINGTON—Standing up to the government agency in a blistering essay published in the Washington Post, former First…
Priscilla Chan Leaves Mark Zuckerberg For Onion Social CEO
PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming that she needed a real man who could actually love and fulfill her, Priscilla Chan announced…
Brooks Brothers Unveils New Line Of Monogramed Cum Rags
NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man…
Sessions Defends Separating Immigrant Families By Citing Senate Confirmation Vote
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the administration’s policy was rooted in a clear moral authority, Attorney General Jeff…
‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access
PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver…
Impatient Raytheon Declares War On North Korea
WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense…
$30 Million Donation From Chan-Zuckerberg Charity To Help Kids Learn To Read Returned
MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla…
Ethicists Worry Emergence Of Designer Babies Might Make Them Look Really Ugly In Comparison
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Cautioning the public about one of the major potential drawbacks of genetically modifying embryos,…
‘You’re Deleting Your Account? We’ll Be Sad To See You Go,’ Says Facebook Prompt Showing User Photo Of Own Dead Body
FARMINGTON, NM—Providing an opportunity to rethink the decision to leave the social media site for good, a Facebook…
Mark Zuckerberg Defends Decision To Fly Confederate Flag At Facebook Headquarters
MENLO PARK, CA—Claiming that the banner embodied the spirit of the company’s values, Mark Zuckerberg defended his…
