Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program
PYONGYANG—Declaring that he has “finally, at long last, come home” to a society that properly aligns with his values,…
Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks
GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn…
Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album
WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court…
God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience
THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord…
Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride
LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom…
Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation
WASHINGTON—Stammering as they struggled to form an opinion about the surprising revelation, the nation’s liberals…
Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria
WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress,…
Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity
NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct…
New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes
SPRINGFIELD, IL—In a move designed to keep citizens aware of any potentially dangerous individuals sharing their…
Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him
AUSTIN, TX—In response to multiple families suing him for defamation over his claims that the 2012 shooting was a hoax, …
Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases
NEW YORK—Saying that any past interactions he’d had with the attorney were completely informal, Fox News television…
Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport
CAIRO—Claiming that one of the world’s most famous and iconic historic structures couldn’t have been constructed using…
Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be RabbitÂ
NAMPA, ID—Overcome by a sense of shame and betrayal upon realizing his life has been based on a lie, Allen Shearer told…
New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation
BALTIMORE—In an announcement that sheds new light on the history of an apparatus traditionally regarded as execution…
U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict
WASHINGTON—As the U.S. military awaited a potential response to its recent series of targeted airstrikes, sources…
Comey Suddenly Realizes Entire Book Just A Subconscious Defense Mechanism To Hide His True Feelings
WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his…
Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends
DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was…
Report: It Time To Give Up
WASHINGTON—Years of research regarding your progress thus far and the projected outcome of your continued efforts have…
Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down
SALEM, VA—According to moviegoers currently bracing for the next 95 minutes, the cool glitch effect used on the Warner…
Woman Forced To Do Some Detective Work After Obituary For Dead Classmate Leaves Off Cause Of Death
MOLINE, IL—Mystified by the lack of detail and speculating on the possible reasons for the same, local woman Jennifer…
