12/12/196:03 PMNews in Brief12/12/19News in Brief12/12/19‘Well Spoken, My Good Fellow, But Let Me Retort,’ Says Congressman Engaged In Probing, High-Minded Debate On Facts And Merits Of Impeachment
12/12/193:58 PMNews in Brief12/12/19News in Brief12/12/19Las Vegas Residents Worried That Proposed Construction Of New Casino In Town Will Bring In Riff-Raff
12/12/192:59 PMNews in Brief12/12/19News in Brief12/12/19Fox News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President
12/12/192:39 PMNews in Brief12/12/19News in Brief12/12/19Hiker Trapped For Days Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail
12/12/191:00 PMNews in Brief12/12/19News in Brief12/12/19Man Relaxing His Overwhelming Anxiety For Just A Moment Finally Gives Pack Of Coyotes The Opening They Need
12/12/1912:26 PMNews in Brief12/12/19News in Brief12/12/19New ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet
12/11/196:07 PMNews in Brief12/11/19News in Brief12/11/19Nation Finally Stands Far Enough Away From Jackson Pollock Painting To Realize It Realistic Still Life Of Fruit
12/11/195:09 PMNews in Brief12/11/19News in Brief12/11/19Company’s Holiday Party Moves Up Timeline For Bankruptcy By 4 Months
12/11/192:34 PMNews in Brief12/11/19News in Brief12/11/19Critics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy Foragers
12/11/1912:38 PMNews in Brief12/11/19News in Brief12/11/19God Recounts Torrid Affair With Michelangelo That Began When Posing For Sistine Chapel Fresco
12/11/1910:21 AMNews in Brief12/11/19News in Brief12/11/19Town Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’
12/10/197:30 AMNews in Brief12/10/19News in Brief12/10/19National Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order’
12/9/194:02 PMNews in Brief12/9/19News in Brief12/9/19Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty
12/9/191:06 PMNews in Brief12/9/19News in Brief12/9/19Trump Offers Hunter Biden Job In Energy Department Based On Oil Industry Experience
12/9/1912:58 PMNews in Brief12/9/19News in Brief12/9/19So-Called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Looks Nothing Like Him
12/9/197:30 AMNews in Brief12/9/19News in Brief12/9/19Learned Coworker Always Has Heard Good Things About Whatever Piece Of Media Being Discussed
12/6/194:01 PMNews in Brief12/6/19News in Brief12/6/19Pete Buttigieg Blames Inability To Disclose Political Stances On NDA With Buttigieg Campaign
12/6/192:29 PMNews in Brief12/6/19News in Brief12/6/19World Wildlife Fund Apologizes After Years Of Working With Well-Known Whale Pedophile
12/6/191:53 PMNews in Brief12/6/19News in Brief12/6/19Cabal Of Handsome Male Celebrities Agrees To Continue Withholding Baldness Cure From Public And Jude Law
12/6/1912:29 PMNews in Brief12/6/19News in Brief12/6/19Sight Of His Beautiful Bride Walking Down Aisle Fills Man With Overwhelming Happyish Feeling