PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens
LOS ANGELES—Slamming the practice as cruel and inhumane, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals condemned the…
Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’
KUTZTOWN, PA—Expressing their confusion and anger over today’s ever-changing social mores, the nation’s self-described…
New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin
LOS ANGELES—Claiming their new quick-acting solution will slough off your oily T-zone and other problem areas within…
Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees
LOS ANGELES—Revealing his vulnerable side in a starkly honest interview, an emotional Elon Musk recalled this week how…
Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump
WASHINGTON—In a dazzling display of superior intellect and penetrating insight, ingenious political analyst Mark…
Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms
WASHINGTON—Warning that the group was secretly planning to affect the outcome of the November elections, President…
Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies
WASHINGTON—Tearing up while describing how insufficient government funding often fails to cover the cost of essential…
Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This
MENDOZA PROVINCE, ARGENTINA—Noting that it was the only location on the planet to calm your mind and forget about…
Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime
NEW YORK—Admitting that he initially started to panic upon discovering that federal prosecutors were investigating him…
Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump
LOS ANGELES—Acknowledging his recent output had failed to live up to its full potential, Hollywood director Tim Burton…
Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem
CHICAGO—Elated with his discovery of an establishment that fits seamlessly into both his daily routine and his…
Vatican On Sex Abuse Report: ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’
VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a…
Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice
NOVI, MI—Vowing to give such an important request the respect it deserves, local Chili’s server Melissa Cortez told…
Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased
EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral…
‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their goal has always been to hold a mirror to society, whether focusing on the power of…
World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast
JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees,…
Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once
EOFERWIC, BRITANNIA—Saying that it really wasn’t such a grandiose request after years of loyal servitude, Ilbert…
Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look
EAST FENS, BRITANNIA—Visitors and residents remarked this week that the severed, pike-mounted head of Duke Robert de…
Hotshot Peasant Has Window
HOBSCROSS, BRITANNIA—Taking exception with the flashy, non-accidental opening in the Western wall of the thatched hut,…
Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings
DINKELSBÜHL, GERMANIA—Stressing that he simply found the boorish displays to be beneath him in every respect,…
