Onion Magazine - America's Finest News Source

12/6/19

12:24 PM

Onion Magazine12/6/19

Onion Magazine12/6/19

Get Her Coming Back For More: Perfecting Your Post-Sex Handshake

11/22/19

1:27 PM

Onion Magazine11/22/19

Onion Magazine11/22/19

Bruno Mars: In His Own Words, On Our Front Porch, Refusing To Leave

11/15/19

8:00 AM

Onion Magazine11/15/19

Onion Magazine11/15/19

Beautiful, Brilliant, Iconic: Now It’s Michelle Obama’s Turn To Say Something Nice About Us.

11/8/19

8:00 AM

Onion Magazine11/8/19

Onion Magazine11/8/19

Ahoy, Weekender Junior Explorers! Can You Find This Issue’s Hidden Penis?

11/1/19

9:00 AM

Onion Magazine11/1/19

Onion Magazine11/1/19

Reese Witherspoon: Sweaty And Loving It

10/11/19

9:00 AM

Onion Magazine10/11/19

Onion Magazine10/11/19

The Awful Baboon: How We Wish It Were Endangered

10/4/19

2:42 PM

Onion Magazine10/4/19

Onion Magazine10/4/19

We Finally Found Where The Termites Are Coming From

9/27/19

1:22 PM

Onion Magazine9/27/19

Onion Magazine9/27/19

I Was Overweight, Depressed, Broke, Drinking Too Much, Tired All The Time, Unhappily Married, Had Terrible Breath, My Penis Was Bleeding, Like, A Lot, My Pets Were Dying On A Daily Basis, I Was In The KKK, I Had Committed 17 Murders, I Was 86 Years Old, I Was A Heavy Smoker, And I Only Had One Tooth Which Was Over A Foot Long. Here’s How I Turned It All Around.

9/20/19

12:54 PM

Onion Magazine9/20/19

Onion Magazine9/20/19

7 Benches Near Your Office Where You Can Eat Lunch In Fucking Peace

9/13/19

10:00 AM

Onion Magazine9/13/19

Onion Magazine9/13/19

Bob Dylan On How He Likes His Corn And Why He Likes His Corn

9/6/19

2:53 PM

Onion Magazine9/6/19

Onion Magazine9/6/19

We Substituted Hammers With Meatless Burgers To See If Carpenters Noticed The Difference

7/12/19

10:08 AM

Onion Magazine7/12/19

Onion Magazine7/12/19

I’m Pregnant And You’re The Father

6/28/19

10:28 AM

Onion Magazine6/28/19

Onion Magazine6/28/19

Here’s The Wi-Fi And Password. Let Us Know If It Doesn’t Work For Whatever Reason

6/21/19

9:45 AM

Onion Magazine6/21/19

Onion Magazine6/21/19

Get Down And Blog The Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Way!

6/14/19

12:18 PM

Onion Magazine6/14/19

Onion Magazine6/14/19

803 Years, 803 Memories: Bon Jovi Looks Back At The Magna Carta

6/7/19

12:52 PM

Onion Magazine6/7/19

Onion Magazine6/7/19

We Gave This Homeless Man A Haircut And A New Wardrobe And Now He Really Seems Out Of Place At The Shelter

5/31/19

9:06 AM

Onion Magazine5/31/19

Onion Magazine5/31/19

Let’s Hear It For Caulk!

5/23/19

12:30 PM

Onion Magazine5/23/19

Onion Magazine5/23/19

A Country Divided: The Onion Takes An In-Depth Look At How State Boundaries Work

2/8/19

5:04 PM

Onion Magazine2/8/19

Onion Magazine2/8/19

We Predict Who Will Watch The Grammys This Sunday

1/25/19

9:55 AM

Onion Magazine1/25/19

Onion Magazine1/25/19

5 Things To Know About ‘Jumanji: The Next Level’

Biggest Revelations Of The Inspector General’s Report On The Russia Investigation

5 Things To Know About ‘Uncut Gems’

Get Her Coming Back For More: Perfecting Your Post-Sex Handshake

Bruno Mars: In His Own Words, On Our Front Porch, Refusing To Leave

Beautiful, Brilliant, Iconic: Now It’s Michelle Obama’s Turn To Say Something Nice About Us.

Ahoy, Weekender Junior Explorers! Can You Find This Issue’s Hidden Penis?

Reese Witherspoon: Sweaty And Loving It

The Awful Baboon: How We Wish It Were Endangered

We Finally Found Where The Termites Are Coming From

7 Benches Near Your Office Where You Can Eat Lunch In Fucking Peace

Bob Dylan On How He Likes His Corn And Why He Likes His Corn

We Substituted Hammers With Meatless Burgers To See If Carpenters Noticed The Difference

I’m Pregnant And You’re The Father

Here’s The Wi-Fi And Password. Let Us Know If It Doesn’t Work For Whatever Reason

Get Down And Blog The Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Way!

803 Years, 803 Memories: Bon Jovi Looks Back At The Magna Carta

We Gave This Homeless Man A Haircut And A New Wardrobe And Now He Really Seems Out Of Place At The Shelter

Let’s Hear It For Caulk!

A Country Divided: The Onion Takes An In-Depth Look At How State Boundaries Work

We Predict Who Will Watch The Grammys This Sunday

We Sat Down With 10 Doctors And Asked, Is It Cancer? Oh God, It’s Cancer, Isn’t It?

Hiker Trapped For Days Under Fallen Boulder Survives By Cutting Off Own Ponytail

Fox News Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt Orchestrated By Democrats To Unseat President

Sad: The Elderly Dutch Man Who Inspired The ‘X’ Button On The PlayStation Controller Has Passed Away

Get Her Coming Back For More: Perfecting Your Post-Sex Handshake

Bruno Mars: In His Own Words, On Our Front Porch, Refusing To Leave

Beautiful, Brilliant, Iconic: Now It’s Michelle Obama’s Turn To Say Something Nice About Us.

Ahoy, Weekender Junior Explorers! Can You Find This Issue’s Hidden Penis?

Reese Witherspoon: Sweaty And Loving It

The Awful Baboon: How We Wish It Were Endangered

We Finally Found Where The Termites Are Coming From

7 Benches Near Your Office Where You Can Eat Lunch In Fucking Peace

Bob Dylan On How He Likes His Corn And Why He Likes His Corn

We Substituted Hammers With Meatless Burgers To See If Carpenters Noticed The Difference

I’m Pregnant And You’re The Father

Here’s The Wi-Fi And Password. Let Us Know If It Doesn’t Work For Whatever Reason

Get Down And Blog The Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Way!

803 Years, 803 Memories: Bon Jovi Looks Back At The Magna Carta

We Gave This Homeless Man A Haircut And A New Wardrobe And Now He Really Seems Out Of Place At The Shelter

Let’s Hear It For Caulk!

A Country Divided: The Onion Takes An In-Depth Look At How State Boundaries Work

We Predict Who Will Watch The Grammys This Sunday

We Sat Down With 10 Doctors And Asked, Is It Cancer? Oh God, It’s Cancer, Isn’t It?