Jun 16 2017Sports News6/16/17Sports News6/16/17WWE Staff Forced To Shoot Aggressive Wrestler After Child Climbs Into Steel CageINDIANAPOLIS—Saying they were left with no other choice given the imminent peril of the situation, World Wrestling…
Jun 7 2017Sports News6/7/17Sports News6/7/17LeBron James Dances Naked Inside Pentagram Of Black Candles In New Pregame Satanic RitualCLEVELAND—In an effort to reverse the momentum of an NBA Finals so far dominated by the Golden State Warriors,…
May 1 2017Sports News5/1/17Sports News5/1/17Patriots Draft Pat Patriot’s Successor With Third-Round Pick Of Sophomore LSU MascotFOXBOROUGH, MA—In a bold move to usher the franchise into the future, the New England Patriots reportedly drafted…
Mar 31 2017Sports News3/31/17Sports News3/31/17WWE Announces WrestleMania 33 Theme Will Be Springtime In ParisSTAMFORD, CT—In an effort to bring the City of Light to Orlando’s Camping World Stadium, WWE officials announced…
Feb 5 2017Sports News2/5/17Sports News2/5/17Area Man Totally Screwing Up Order Of Snack Consumption During Super Bowl PartyFORT DODGE, IA—Growing increasingly annoyed at his lack of foresight, area man Erick Simmons reportedly chastised…
Feb 3 2017Sports News2/3/17Sports News2/3/17Roger Goodell Lays Wreath At National Football League Cemetery In Super Bowl TraditionPEEKSKILL, NY—As part of a longstanding tradition in the week leading up to the Super Bowl, NFL commissioner Roger…
Jan 23 2017Sports News1/23/17Sports News1/23/17NFL Geneticists Working On Developing Ligament-Free PlayerNEW YORK—Noting that the effort represents the future of professional football, league officials announced Monday…
Jan 12 2017Sports News1/12/17Sports News1/12/17Patriots Not Allowing Football Game Against Texans To Become DistractionFOXBOROUGH, MA—Insisting that it is the furthest thing from their minds at this point in their season, members of…
Dec 8 2016Sports News12/8/16Sports News12/8/16NFL To Curb Excessive Celebrations By Removing Areas Of Players’ Brains Responsible For EmotionsNEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL…
Dec 5 2016Sports News12/5/16Sports News12/5/16Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline ReporterGREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday…
Dec 4 2016Sports News12/4/16Sports News12/4/16‘You Hate To See That,’ Announces Fan Secretly Thrilled About Rival Player’s InjuryBALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the…
Dec 2 2016Sports News12/2/16Sports News12/2/16Penn State Staff Unsure What To Do With Breathtakingly Innovative Defensive Playbooks Jerry Sandusky Keeps Sending ThemSTATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no…
Nov 2 2016Sports News11/2/16Sports News11/2/16Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series WinTHE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title…
Oct 25 2016Sports News10/25/16Sports News10/25/16Cubs Fan Ready To Get Completely Drunk Again On Only 2 Days’ RestCHICAGO—Explaining that he is breaking from his normal routine for Game 1 of the World Series, 32-year-old Chicago…
Sep 30 2016Sports News9/30/16Sports News9/30/16Jim Harbaugh Disappointed To Learn Electroshock Therapy Session Already OverANN ARBOR, MI—Saying that he had hardly noticed the time go by while receiving the series of electrically induced…
Sep 2 2016Sports News9/2/16Sports News9/2/16Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE…
Jun 10 2016Sports News6/10/16Sports News6/10/16NHL Admits It Has No Idea Who Guys With White Gloves Transporting Stanley Cup AreNEW YORK—Confessing that they are unable to explain the presence of the two men who always accompany the…
May 11 2016Sports News5/11/16Sports News5/11/16Tim Duncan Sternly Reminds Spurs About Maximum Occupancy Limit Of Locker RoomSAN ANTONIO—Interrupting teammates, coaches, and trainers during their pregame preparations Tuesday evening, Spurs…