WWE Staff Forced To Shoot Aggressive Wrestler After Child Climbs Into Steel Cage
INDIANAPOLIS—Saying they were left with no other choice given the imminent peril of the situation, World Wrestling…
LeBron James Dances Naked Inside Pentagram Of Black Candles In New Pregame Satanic Ritual
CLEVELAND—In an effort to reverse the momentum of an NBA Finals so far dominated by the Golden State Warriors,…
Patriots Draft Pat Patriot’s Successor With Third-Round Pick Of Sophomore LSU Mascot
FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a bold move to usher the franchise into the future, the New England Patriots reportedly drafted Pat…
WWE Announces WrestleMania 33 Theme Will Be Springtime In Paris
STAMFORD, CT—In an effort to bring the City of Light to Orlando’s Camping World Stadium, WWE officials announced Friday…
Goose Does Pretty Decent Job Shitting All Over High School Track
ARDMORE, PA—Reflecting on the pride it takes in its craft, a local Canada goose confirmed Thursday that it had done a…
Area Man Totally Screwing Up Order Of Snack Consumption During Super Bowl Party
FORT DODGE, IA—Growing increasingly annoyed at his lack of foresight, area man Erick Simmons reportedly chastised…
Roger Goodell Lays Wreath At National Football League Cemetery In Super Bowl Tradition
PEEKSKILL, NY—As part of a longstanding tradition in the week leading up to the Super Bowl, NFL commissioner Roger…
NFL Geneticists Working On Developing Ligament-Free Player
NEW YORK—Noting that the effort represents the future of professional football, league officials announced Monday that…
Patriots Not Allowing Football Game Against Texans To Become Distraction
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Insisting that it is the furthest thing from their minds at this point in their season, members of the…
NFL To Curb Excessive Celebrations By Removing Areas Of Players’ Brains Responsible For Emotions
NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL…
Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter
GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday…
NFL Announcer Better Hurry The Fuck Up Congratulating Producer On New Baby And Get Back To Game
GREEN BAY, WI—Noting with urgency that play was about to resume after a brief timeout on the field, sources confirmed…
‘You Hate To See That,’ Announces Fan Secretly Thrilled About Rival Player’s Injury
BALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the…
Penn State Staff Unsure What To Do With Breathtakingly Innovative Defensive Playbooks Jerry Sandusky Keeps Sending Them
STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea…
Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win
THE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title since…
Cubs Fan Ready To Get Completely Drunk Again On Only 2 Days’ Rest
CHICAGO—Explaining that he is breaking from his normal routine for Game 1 of the World Series, 32-year-old Chicago Cubs…
Jim Harbaugh Disappointed To Learn Electroshock Therapy Session Already Over
ANN ARBOR, MI—Saying that he had hardly noticed the time go by while receiving the series of electrically induced…
Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44
PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE…
NHL Admits It Has No Idea Who Guys With White Gloves Transporting Stanley Cup Are
NEW YORK—Confessing that they are unable to explain the presence of the two men who always accompany the championship…
Tim Duncan Sternly Reminds Spurs About Maximum Occupancy Limit Of Locker Room
SAN ANTONIO—Interrupting teammates, coaches, and trainers during their pregame preparations Tuesday evening, Spurs…
