Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

Jared Leto Thanks Acting For Being An Easy Thing That Anybody Can Do

Sochi’s Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics

Colorado Boy Asks Nation Not To Find His Missing Little Brother

5 Rules To Survive Falling Skies

Weather Forecast Says It's Windy As A Bastard

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

Scattered Deaths Of Elderly Floridians Expected Throughout The Week

After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016

Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe

How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day

Lance Armstrong's Publicity Team Playing Up The 1993 Norway Road Race Title He Still Has

Ichiro Suzuki Convinces Yankee Teammates That It's Good Luck To Lick His Elbow

Chicago Cubs Combine Seven Players To Form One Giant Player Called "Chicagazor"

Pol Pot Conceived On Romantic Summer Evening

Construction Workers Realize They Put Erie Canal In Wrong Place

Reagan Accepts Republican Nomination, Vows Andre The Giant Will Be Body Slammed If Elected

Behind The Pen: Reading, Writing and Robbery

Behind The Pen: 'High' Ideals

Behind The Pen: Nanny State, Ninny State

In The Know: Coal Lobby Warns Wind Farms May Blow Earth Off Orbit

Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds

In The Know: Should The Nation's Unemployed Be Buying New Apple Computers?

Supreme Court Ruling Gives Fans The Right To Act Like Total Assholes At Games

Yogi Berra Honored With Nude Statue

Legendary Stalker Of Female Athletes Retires

O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica

Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises

Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse To Kentucky Derby Win

Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions