Rand Paul Pretends To Sleep So Dad Will Carry Him In From Car
Obama is currently being chased around in the background of a Secret Service hearing, U.S. officials assure Hong Kong…
Onion Review
Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders
7.1 billion people demonstrate in favor of global warming, Obama now sleeps with a Louisville Slugger under his bed,…
Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks
Experts confirm the British Empire will be reduced to 8 square acres around Buckingham Palace by 2050, a reclusive…
Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image
The NFL announces a new zero-tolerance policy on videotaped domestic violence, a puzzled nation can remember the name…
Cannibal Corpse Blasting From Papal Apartment Window
I-90 adds a lane for drivers traveling cross country to stop a woman from marrying the wrong man, a job applicant…
Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice
An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged…
Mom’s Bathing Suit Just One Giant, Body-Eclipsing Ruffle
A battleship is awkwardly propped up against the Ferguson Police Department, an area Facebook user is incredibly…
Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting
A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t…
Asexually Reproduced Sea Sponge Worried She’s Turning Into Herself
A civilian casualty is flattered to have been mistaken for a Hamas leader, the entirety of a man’s personal data is…
Sex Toy Discreetly Shipped In Plain Dildo-Shaped Box
Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds…
Grandpa Looking Absolutely Precious In New Baseball Cap
A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual…
Mom $15,000 In The Hole With Ceramic Frog Dealer
Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch…
Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back
The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to…
Pigeon Wishes Just Once It Could Complete Head Movement Smoothly
A prison rights group protests the treatment of supervillains in the nation’s magnetic detainment cubes, a local dad…
God’s Will Only Thing Keeping AC Unit In Window
States offer millions in tax breaks to any person who says ‘high-tech jobs,’ a child is entertained for five minutes by…
Parents At Graduation Celebrate Child’s Last Accomplishment
New EPA regulations force power plants to find 30% more loopholes by 2030, President Obama already knows who he’s going…
Nation's Depressed March On Atlantic Ocean
The only nation where this regularly happens concludes that there’s no way to prevent this, a college rape victim is…
Bag Of Flour Has Slave Auction On Front
Scientists politely remind the world that clean energy technology is ready to go whenever, a new study finds most high…
Extravagant New Window Blinds Inspired By The Latest Styles From Venice
Congress splits into male and female senators to discuss the newest reproductive bill, a man feels guilty about chowing…
Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin
A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad…