EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu. “They really just have two paninis that are pretty much identical except for one being ham and one being turkey,” said customer Kelsey Gibbard, referring to the sandwiches listed under the achingly sad words “We Now Serve Lunch Until 2!” “Looks like they even have a couple bags of potato chips on a tiny rack by the register and—this kills me—two mixed green salads in an otherwise empty mini-fridge. I’m not sure I can bear this.” At press time, Gibbard confirmed that the lone soup offering that appeared on the menu the first week had been permanently erased.

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