SACRAMENTO—In a dramatic move intended to provide relief to those hardest hit among the state’s population, California governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Wednesday a bill that would provide a bar-closing exemption to shithole dives that just have three old guys sitting in them who will soon be dead anyway. “While safety is our foremost concern, we’ve concluded that there’s no real risk involved with leaving open any of those seedy corner bars with broken stools and some regulars named Roy, Ed, and Phil who drink flat cans of Old Style and have a few years left in them, at most,” said Newsom, adding that experts have found a relatively low risk of transmission because their plastered patrons spend every waking moment in the business’ dank, unlit barroom in complete silence, often only speaking up to recount the Raiders’ 1977 season. “Essentially, we’re saying if the bathroom toilet has been on the fritz for the past decade and every bottle behind the bar is visibly dusty, you’re in the clear to continue operating. Trust me, no one else is going in there. These places are real pieces of shit.” Newsom concluded, however, that bars that serve people with healthy lives and things left to live for will be forced to close.
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