With California facing an unprecedented drought, many cities have imposed strict water usage limits for their residents. The Onion asked Californians how they felt about the restrictions, and this is what they said.
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“For reasons I cannot possibly understand, my self-worth is extremely tied up in how well-maintained my lawn appears.”
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“When I’m out of town, I like to leave my hose on so people still think I’m at home.”
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“I can’t stay hydrated on just 55 gallons of water per day.”
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“It’s more that I just don’t think rules should apply to me personally.”
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“As an avid golfer, I’m naturally entitled to 150 acres of lush grass for my ludicrous hobby.”
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“In a few years, when my family and I are fighting strangers for some roots we find in the dirt, I want to be able to describe what it felt like to have a really green lawn.”
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“I really wanna see what’s at the bottom of all of our lakes and rivers.”
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“Sacrificing my own petty comforts for the survival of the planet is anti-American.”
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“Nothing stops Tom Hanks from frolicking through his sprinklers. Nothing.”
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“I don’t see what the big issue is. We’ve got enough water to get us through 1975.”
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“The restrictions unfairly discriminate against residents with in-home water parks.”
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“I’m trying to grow one almond.”
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“I’d like to see you decline an erotic bath with Gabrielle Union. Not so easy, huh?”
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“What’s the point of living in the richest country on Earth if you can’t flex on the global poor by wasting drinking water?”
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“I like to refill my puddles with fresh water daily, whether it’s rained or not.”
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“I saw Mad Max once, and I’m pretty excited about it.”
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“Restrictions only forestall the inevitable inferno. All must burn in the terrible conflagration.”
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“I will die before I plant a succulent in my garden.”
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“Maybe they should punish the wildfires that use up all the water.”
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“Why should we have restrictions when, assuming there’s not some disqualifying ingredient I’m unaware of, we could use ocean water?”
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“You ever see an orca perform in six inches of water?”
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“I worked too hard making a lawn grow in a climate it has absolutely no business being in.”
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“I’m thirsty.”
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