The controversial CalExit movement posits that state of California should secede from the United States and become its own sovereign nation. The Onion asked Californians why they supported it, and this is what they said.
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“I can’t afford to move, but I’ve always wanted to live abroad.”
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“I assume all federal charges would be dropped.”
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“Why should we be governed by greedy, out-of-touch millionaires in Washington, D.C. when we have greedy, out-of-touch billionaires right here?”
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“We would be the only country with a bear on its flag! All other nations would tremble before us, except possibly Albania and it’s mighty two-headed Eagle.”
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“It would really help shore up our international box office numbers.”
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“We could do cool money. Like weird shapes and colors. Could be fun.”
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“Taxes, I think?”
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“He who controls the almonds, controls the universe.”
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“I’ve always thought it’s about time we paid a lot more money to import water from elsewhere.”
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“I’d rather be governed by SAG-AFTRA bylaws than the Constitution.”
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“If we seceded, California would officially be named the ninth planet in the solar system.”
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“I’m tickled by the idea that there will be more immigrants to dehumanize.”
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“I can’t have my kids grow up in a country where there’s ugly people.”
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“I’m extremely impressionable and always 100% down for the most recent plan I hear about.”
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“It’s embarrassing to call Michigan winemakers your countrymen.”
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“With all the venture capital funds, we could probably create an even more fucked up healthcare system of our own.”
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“My agent said it would be really good for my brand.”
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“It would just be nice to beat Texas at something.”
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