MELVILLE, NY—Saying that the 39-year-old is pretty much unsalvageable at this point, a local Canon PowerShot N camera told reporters Monday that, despite featuring state-of-the-art imaging capabilities and its innovative Creative Shot mode, there isn’t really much it can do for Barry. “With most rough-looking subjects, I can always utilize the color correction tool or apply a filter to put the image in soft focus, both of which can greatly enhance the quality of any picture. But with Barry, yeah, that’s not really gonna do a whole lot of good,” said the optical instrument, which, even with its ability to analyze an image’s color, tone, and composition to produce unique and artistic photos, admitted that it still wouldn’t be able to create an image of the poor schmuck that was even the least bit aesthetically pleasing. “Even after applying a sepia-tone filter, eliminating red eye, and adjusting the light more favorably, I found that it’s simply impossible to make Barry not look like…well, Barry.” The camera went on to say that the best it could probably do would be to crop Barry out of an image altogether.

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