WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly panicked as the American public remained oblivious to their efforts, numerous terrified climate scientists had resorted to frantically waving their arms while loudly begging to be acknowledged by throngs of passersby who proceeded to walk straight through them, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Can anyone hear me? Hello?” shouted the discouraged climate scientists as they futilely jumped in front of pedestrians in desperate attempts to block their paths, only to have the people continue on down the block without so much as a glance in their direction. “Please, wait! Stop! Don’t you see we’re on a path to destruction? Hey! Come on, won’t you please stop and listen to me for just a second? Jesus Christ, you fuckers—this is important!” At press time, the scientists were feeling deeply disturbed after returning home to find their families at the dinner table with an eerily similar-looking impostor seated in their place.

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