MEDDYBEMPS, ME—Wincing at the use of a phrase that did not even place it within the realm of edible objects, a can of Campbell’s soup was said to be deeply hurt Friday when local homeowner Mike Knutson proclaimed there was “not a goddamn thing to eat” in his house. “The guy’s talking as if I weren’t sitting right here,” thought the nonperishable food item, which reportedly hoped that with the arrival of autumn weather, a hot meal of chicken noodle soup would become a desirable option, causing it to finally be chosen from the limited selection of cans in Knutson’s cupboard. “I’m 5 feet away from him, but I might as well not even exist. Seriously, what’s his problem? I don’t see any thick, juicy steaks lying around here. And it ain’t like I’m fruit cocktail—I got 14 grams of protein in here!” At press time, sources confirmed the can of soup looked on sadly as Knutson tapped at his phone and repeated his DoorDash burrito order from the previous night.
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