President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
Scrap The Iran Nuclear Deal: Most experts have warned that such a measure would be an incredibly short-sighted and dangerous move, so it’s pretty much a given
Repeal And Replace Obamacare: This is well within reach, as Trump has congressional support to repeal Obamacare and is poised to easily replace it with utter chaos
Imprison Hillary Clinton: Although he’s walked back this promise in recent weeks, Americans are ready for this argument to reenter the national dialogue as soon as Trump needs to deflect attention from a devastating misstep or calamitous scandal
Eliminate Hanger Steak From The Menu: Trump is already throwing the full weight of his office behind removing this lesser cut of beef from all domestic restaurant offerings
Bring Jobs Back From China: It’s unlikely that Trump will allow foreign jobs to come into the country under his strict immigration policy
Create A Muslim Registry: Instead of bullying the Muslim-American community by following through on this specific campaign promise, Trump will likely find it much more effective to just let it hang over their heads indefinitely
Make Mexico Pay For Border Wall: Look, he said he’s gonna do it, and he’s gonna do it, okay? If you don’t like it, you can go back to your libtard PC safe space. MAGA!
Get Munfordville, KY Resident Jason Hough, 38, A Job: Time will tell if this promise, which Trump made only in Hough’s mind, will be kept
Unify The Shards Of The Dark Crystal: Being that Trump is not a Gelfling as the prophecy foretold, it’s unlikely that he’ll make any headway on this
Find Out What Truly Makes Him Happy On A Deep, Existential Level: This is one of Trump’s most ambitious proposals, and is unlikely to ever be realized