‘Can You Trust Anything You See?’ Says Jack Dorsey, Shapeshifting Into Cat During Congressional Testimony On Misinformation

Illustration for article titled ‘Can You Trust Anything You See?’ Says Jack Dorsey, Shapeshifting Into Cat During Congressional Testimony On Misinformation

WASHINGTON—Asking members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee if it was ever possible to trust what one sees, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey shapeshifted into a cat Thursday during testimony on his company’s role in spreading misinformation about Covid-19 and the 2020 presidential election. “Esteemed representatives, know that I have heard your concerns, but please permit me to inquire: Is anything truly what it seems?” the suddenly feline Dorsey said as his face contorted into a wicked grin and committee members were briefly transported to the center of a black hole, then to the peak of Mount Everest. “The universe is full of mystery, wouldn’t you agree? Perhaps the Earth is round, perhaps it is flat. Perhaps 10,000 rioters descended on the Capitol Jan. 6, perhaps none did. Our arrogant attempts to discern what is real would be laughable if they weren’t so pathetic. Is this a glass of water sitting before me…or is it a grenade? Or is it, in fact, a newborn baby, mewling for its mother’s milk? You tell me.” Dorsey reportedly concluded his testimony by resuming human form, only to watch in horror as his beard transformed into a nest of squirming tentacles that wrapped themselves around his head, slowly and painfully suffocating him.