The close Pennsylvania Senate race between John Fetterman and Mehmet Oz could decide which party controls the upper chamber of Congress after the midterms. The Onion looks at the backgrounds of Fetterman and Oz, as well as where both stand on key issues.
Fetterman: Gritty streets of Harvard
Oz: Chief of vitamin surgery
HORRIBLE PHENOMENON RESPONSIBLE FOR POLITICAL CAREER
Fetterman: Decline of Rust Belt
Fetterman: Between a woman and her doctor
Oz: You better hope he’s not the doctor
Fetterman: Opposes fracking except in cases of capitulating to oil interests
Oz: You can lose 10 pounds in just a week drinking nothing but gasoline
FAVORED PLURAL FORM OF “YOU”
Oz: “You people”
Fetterman: Whoa, buddy, slow down there, where you going with that?
Oz: Fire away!
Fetterman: Hard 10 for those into pro-wrestler types
Oz: Could totally clean up with 50- to 70-year-old aunts
Fetterman: Will be buried in one if he can help it
Oz: Owns world’s only three-piece hoodie
Fetterman: Knows a guy
Oz: Too dangerous to sell for any less than five easy payments of $19.99
Fetterman: More shitty products should be made here in America
Oz: Blames Biden for the rising cost of lab puppies