Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

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Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

  • Campaign Slogan: “I Studied This Time”
  • Experience: Effectively and efficiently led bungling of 2012 presidential campaign
  • Policies: Tough on crime, specifically homosexuality
  • Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0
  • Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys
  • Biggest Political Asset: Looks pretty presidential on muted TV at airport
  • Biggest Liability: Public forums
  • Greatest Political Accomplishment: Provided underserved minorities and mentally retarded individuals with access to quality executions
  • Oh, And: Was recently issued felony indictment for abuse of power as Texas governor