LANCASTER COUNTY, PA—Slamming the policy as deeply biased against hardworking rural Americans, local man Abraham Harver told reporters Thursday that the card-only business model at his town’s grocery store discriminates against those customers who conduct transactions by bartering milk-goats. “Some folks just don’t want the hassle of dealing with banks, let alone credit card companies, and who’s to say that my flocks of sheep or bushels of tart green apples are no good in a place of business?” said Harver, who, like many residents of his holler, receives his weekly payment in the form of baby chicks and suckling pigs and prefers carrying them around to use in trade. “There are some who say you need to deal with some big bank to get on in society, but I know plenty of fellers who get along just fine trading a sack of taters for their dry goods. It’s easier for some to budget when anybody can see how many goats they have, and everyone knows how many loaves of bread a goat’s worth. Come the tribulations, I know these city types are going to wish they had a herd of animals to swap for firewood.” Harver later agreed to trade his first-born son in exchange for the expunging his overdue mortgage payments.
More from The Onion