VATICAN CITY—Telling reporters that the former Boston archbishop had met the requirements for sainthood, the Roman Catholic Church announced Wednesday that Cardinal Bernard Law would be posthumously canonized following the miracle of escaping criminal prosecution. “After a thorough investigation by the Congregation for Cause of Saints, we have determined that the Cardinal’s evasion of culpability was so extraordinary as to represent an intercession of God’s will into earthly affairs,” said Vatican spokesman Greg Burke, noting that Law had demonstrated the required heroic virtues of faith and charity through decades of effort working to save pedophile priests’ careers and reputations. “The Blessed led a life of such obvious merit that Pope Francis has opted to waive the traditional five-year waiting period, and will immediately inscribe his name in the Canon of Saints.” Burke went on to say that the requirement for a second miracle had been met by Law’s inexplicable and uncontested ascension through the upper echelons of the Catholic Church.

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