WASHINGTON—Tearfully confessing that the release of Fear: Trump In The White House had left him totally and completely blindsided, renowned journalist Carl Bernstein could be seen weeping uncontrollably Wednesday after learning Bob Woodward had written a president book without him. “Reporting on corruption at the highest levels of the American government was supposed to be our thing,” the visibly distraught reporter said of his former partner before letting out an exasperated sob, throwing his advance copy of the book against the wall, and burying his tear-soaked face in a pillow. “President books were something special we had together. Without me, who was there to help him get all those people to agree to do interviews on deep background? I guess Watergate meant nothing to him. Well, fine. Maybe I’ll just write my own Trump book all by myself! And when it wins a Pulitzer, guess who won’t be joining ol’ Bernstein on the awards stand?” At press time, Bernstein had reportedly taken a deep breath, deleted Woodward’s number from his phone, and immediately called his wife to ask if she’d co-author a president book with him.

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