WESTERLY, RI—Sources confirmed Thursday that a cartoon lasso was reportedly working implausibly well, accomplishing feats that are simply impossible according to any known laws of physics. “Oh, how convenient, the lasso just flew through the air hundreds of feet and perfectly roped nine cattle rustlers and their horses running at full speed—do they really think I’m going to buy something that obviously unrealistic?” said Tim Epsell, 33, adding that although he understood animation often required some suspension of disbelief, it was beyond the pale to suppose that the cowboy could simply tug on the apparently mile-long lasso and pull the outlaws smoothly back to him across the chaparral in mere seconds. “The makers of this cartoon must take me for an idiot. When those bad guys rounded a corner, the lasso followed them, and then it traveled parallel to them, matching their varying speed the whole way, before encircling them—look, a lasso is a useful tool, but if you think it’s some kind of miracle device, I don’t know what to tell you. In the real world, it just doesn’t work like that, and I’m not sure why they’re making such easily refuted claims about the lasso’s capabilities. For crying out loud, lassos can’t just be thrown around a rain cloud in California and then dragged to Texas like that. Christ, this is offensive to anyone who has ever practiced the difficult craft of lassoing.” Reports confirmed Eppsall was further incensed at the cartoon’s audacity in expecting him to believe that with just a pair of revolvers, the cowboy could actually shoot stars out of the sky.
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