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Cash-Flush FIFA Executives Note Every World Cup Host Has Had Slaves At One Point

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ZURICH—Defending the organization against criticism over the human rights record of 2022 World Cup host Qatar, clash-flush FIFA executives told reporters Tuesday that every World Cup host has had slaves at some point. “What the woke critics complaining about this year’s host utterly fail to realize is that human bondage has happened all over the world—throughout most of history, in fact—and so good luck to them finding some perfect host country that’s never had slavery,” a jewel-laden FIFA president Gianni Infantino said as he departed a press conference, ordering an assistant to pick up several stacks of 100-euro notes that had fallen out of his pockets. “It’s not like we have this big list of non-slavery countries to choose from, okay? Let’s go back in history: [2018 host] Russia? Slavery. [2014 host] Brazil? Slavery—the last country in the Western world to abolish slavery, I might add. [2010 host] South Africa? Slavery. [2006 host] Germany? Don’t get us started. [2002 co-hosts] South Korea and Japan, [1998 host] France—a cursory look at the history books shows them enslaving people all over the place. [1994 host] The United States? I mean, come on! So you have to look at what Qatar needed to do to get all those stadiums built within the context of history. Let citizens of the first country that never practiced human subjugation throw the first stone. Christ, if these critics had their way, we’d never have a World Cup anywhere at all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to board my private plane for my standing reservation at the [Parisian restaurant] Guy Savoy.” At press time, multiple other FIFA executives in expensive suits had refused to comment on the organizations host selection process as they hurried into the open doors of their brand-new Lamborghinis.