MILFORD, CT—Threatening to publicly expose millions of people’s names should no action be taken, Subway officials announced Friday that they would reveal the identities of customers who eat the restaurant’s food if they refused to pay a ransom. “If we do not receive your money transfer at Subway headquarters by midnight, all your Subway receipts will be leaked to the press immediately and sent directly to your most cherished loved ones,” the message read in part, informing customers that Subway had spent years collecting damning and shameful evidence—including photos and video footage of people buying and sometimes even eating sandwiches from the fast food chain—and that the company would not hesitate to use it. “Think long and hard if you want your family, your friends, and your employer to know how many times you sneaked around behind their backs and ordered a foot-long Chicken Teriyaki, Cold Cut Combo, or Meatball Marinara from one of our stores. Once we press send, the entire world will know your dirty little Subway secret, and believe us, your wife and children will never look at you the same way again.” At press time, after receiving almost zero dollars in expected ransom, Subway reportedly upped the ante and threatened to reveal that everyone who ate at Subway was a child molester.
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