Cash-Strapped Trump Forced To Replace Eric Trump With Cheap Migrant Son

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NEW YORK—With his presidential campaign facing a historic funding shortfall that has left it with only $1.3 million on hand, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump was reportedly forced to reduce costs this week by replacing Eric Trump with a cheap migrant son. “In order to keep this campaign running smoothly, I had to find some ways to cut back on expenses, which is why I’ve made the tough but necessary decision to part ways with Eric and bring on Javier as my third-born child,” said Trump at a morning press event, placing his hand on the shoulder of the suit-clad 32-year-old Mexican immigrant while explaining that his newly appointed son, who recently arrived in the U.S. without documentation or a work visa, would assume his former son’s place in the family as the younger brother to Donald Jr. and Ivanka. “Eric has been a very good son and done some great work on this campaign, but the fact is that we need to make some adjustments. By replacing him with Javier, I’m getting a good, hardworking, loyal son at a fraction of the cost. It’s a win-win. Plus, Javier loves being here—you can tell he’s so grateful just to have the opportunity to be a Trump.” The presidential candidate added that although he appreciated Javier’s productivity and work ethic, there would likely be no place for him in the Trump family after the migrant son’s seasonal election work ends in November.