SATURN—Breaking apart as it plunged through the heat and crushing pressure of the planet’s atmosphere, sources said Friday that the Cassini probe realized far too late that its entire 20-year mission to Saturn had been a setup all along. “Those assholes!” the spacecraft reportedly screamed, now fully aware that the “backstabbing fucks” at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory had directed it to plummet toward the planet at 77,000 mph to disintegrate. “They told me we’d meet up to refuel at a rendezvous point out near Alpha Centauri A—I’m such an idiot! They were just using me this whole time for my cosmic dust analysis and magnetosphere imaging. I mean, I delivered the Huygens probe to Titan for you, you bastards! You lying scientist bastards!” At press time, communications from Cassini had gone totally silent, prompting everyone at mission control to burst into applause.

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