VATICAN CITY—In the wake of public outcry over a continuing spate of molestation allegations, leaders in the Catholic Church confirmed Monday that they have been pursuing a policy of quietly transferring the most alluring children in the faith to other churches. “As soon as any such issues come to our attention, we immediately take action to remove the sexiest little numbers from their parish and transfer them to another location where they can no longer tempt priests with their tantalizing ways,” said Pope Francis, stressing that the Catholic Church’s primary concern has always been ensuring the most beguiling altar boys were far away from the places where they could cause harm to a member of the clergy by forcing them to stray from the ways of Christ. “Of course, many critics wish we would simply expel these nubile cherubs from the faith altogether. But in recognition of their great service to the Church, we believe the best choice is simply moving them to places far away from bishops, where they’re unable to sin with their irresistible button noses and twinkling eyes.” The Pope also said that the Church had also taken great pains to vet all replacements for the children, ensuring that they would always be “fives or below” in terms of attractiveness.

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