Illustration for article titled CDC Advises Americans To Protect Against Coronavirus By Piling Into This Here Tub For A Scrubbin’

ATLANTA—Reckoning that the new measure was a “mighty powerful way” to prevent the spread of the infectious disease, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention advised Americans Monday to protect against the coronavirus by piling into this here tub for a good scrubbin’. “Now listen up—we’re gonna need each and every one of y’all to come on down here to the Peach State and let one of our trained health officials give you a good old-fashioned scrub down with a strong horse-bristled brush,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, wearing an apron as he heated up another tea kettle of hot water to pour into the large metal tub outside CDC headquarters in anticipation of scouring the pesky Covid-19 germs out of all 325 million Americans over the next few days. “We’ve got to act strong and quick if we want to beat this coronavirus thing, which is why the CDC is urging all Americans to drop whatever they’re doing and hop in. Don’t be shy, okay? Take off your britches and set ‘em over yonder. Make sure you really wash up every nook and cranny. We’ll get you nice and sudsy with a bar of lye soap we purchased from the general store, then I’ll dump a bucket of warm water over you and we’ll keep scrubin’ you something fierce till you’re healthy as a newborn babe. After that, we’ll give y’all a spell with the big communal towel to pat yourselves dry.” The CDC also advised all Americans to further inoculate themselves from the coronavirus by giving all their garments and linen a fearsome scrubbin’ on a washboard in the Chattahoochee River.


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