CDC Introduces New Expedited Quarantine Period Of 3-5 Business Days For $29.99

Illustration for article titled CDC Introduces New Expedited Quarantine Period Of 3-5 Business Days For $29.99

WASHINGTON—Revising an earlier mandate requiring Covid-19 patients to self-isolate for 14 days without exception, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Friday that the agency was now offering a new expedited quarantine period of just three to five business days for $29.99. “With the simple click of a button, Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus can now get their quarantine done quickly and cheaply for three easy installments of $9.99,” said the acclaimed virologist, stressing that it was important for interested patients to order now, because the exclusive offer wouldn’t last forever. “No more waiting two full weeks for your contagiousness to subside, simply select ‘Priority Quarantine’ on the CDC website and enter your credit card number, and in one week or less, you’ll be fully cleared to reenter society. We only have a limited number of these upgrades available, though, and about 14 million active cases, so you need to act fast.” Redfield added that anyone who ordered the expedited quarantine in the next hour would be automatically entered into a raffle for early access to the Covid-19 vaccine of their choice.

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