ATLANTA—Cautioning Americans against the continuing outbreak of fatherhood among the popular television host, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control issued a dire warning Tuesday to alert the public that Nick Cannon was feeling horny. “We urge all U.S. residents, especially women of childbearing age, to shelter in place until such time as we are able to confirm Mr. Cannon is no longer aroused,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that if people must leave their homes, they should avoid areas where they are most at risk of Nick Cannon, such as the club. “If, despite these precautions, you still finding yourself having sex with Nick Cannon, please practice multiple birth control methods to help limit the spread of his paternity through the nation’s population centers. While the government is working to distribute funds to those fathered by Mr. Cannon, there is a limit to how much any successful TV personality can pay in child support.” At press time, top CDC officials announced they were all pregnant and Nick Cannon was the father.
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