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CDC Issues Emergency Authorization For Local Man To Go Shirtless During Heat Wave

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ATLANTA—Amid another week of record-breaking heat, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky issued an emergency authorization Tuesday for local 35-year-old David Drazen to go shirtless. “We’d normally express more hesitancy, but seeing as he’s already sweated through his entire T-shirt, we’re left with no choice but to say take it off,” said Walensky, who urged Americans to remain patient as the organization worked to make the large, out-shape man less damp, stating they were taking every step available. “The T-shirt should be removed from his body and used to dab periodically at his sweaty forehead. If he wants to carry around a folding chair and put it down pretty much anywhere he needs it, including the center of the sidewalk, then that’s okay, too. He still needs to keep his pants on, for now, but we can reassess that down the line as needed.” At press time, Walensky added that the CDC was also granting the man emergency authorization to dump whatever ice-cold beverage he wanted on his head.