CDC Places Star Stickers On Bulletin Board Next To Names Of Americans Who Followed Rules Whole Pandemic

Illustration for article titled CDC Places Star Stickers On Bulletin Board Next To Names Of Americans Who Followed Rules Whole Pandemic

ATLANTA—In an effort to better enforce Covid-19 guidelines, officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention were reportedly placing star stickers on a bulletin board Wednesday next to the names of Americans who had followed the rules through the whole pandemic thus far. “We wanted to recognize all the good and responsible Americans who have been doing their part this year by wearing a mask and practicing proper social distancing—great job, everybody, and well done!” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, who unpeeled a fresh gold foil star from the sheet of stickers in her hand to reward 43-year-old Sacramento resident Sam Wright for his recent decision to take his restaurant order to go. “You’ll notice there are some silver stars on the board as well, indicating when someone went to the grocery store or got too close to a stranger, but as long as you didn’t do that more than two days in a row, you’ll still earn a gold star. If you haven’t flown on an airplane or dined indoors since February 2020, excellent work. Your family and friends will be so proud to see all your stars! Plus, Americans who have accumulated five gold stars by the end of the pandemic will receive a very special treat.” At press time, Walensky added that the CDC had placed metallic cross stickers next to the names of Americans who had followed all of the rules but died of coronavirus anyway.