CDC Releases Instructions For All Americans To Make Their Own Hospitals

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ATLANTA—Recommending that the nation’s populace act immediately to help stop the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released instructions Wednesday for all Americans to make their own hospitals. “Staying safe during coronavirus can be difficult, especially when you lack access to necessary supplies, but it’s very important, so we’ve provided an easy tutorial for DIY hospitals that anyone can make with some common household items,” read the CDC website in part, accompanied by a detailed how-to guide with pictures walking the reader through building a 250,000-square-foot facility at home containing an intensive care unit, emergency ward, surgery rooms, and inpatient units, complete with the necessary equipment and supplies to treat any family members who fall ill. “It might seem daunting to build your own hospital, but the truth is you can do it in under an hour with things you find lying around the house. Do you have a bed? You’re practically halfway there. Using just a tape, scissors, some rubber bands, yarn, gallon milk jugs, and a sturdy bag, you can have a full supply of ventilators, anesthesia machines, sterilizers, and other essential medical devices. All you need is a good-size yard to dig the foundation, some old jeans you can stitch into a heart monitor, and some drinking straws to create usable hypodermic needles. In order to beat this, the CDC advises all Americans to put their can-do spirit to work and prioritize spending the afternoon building a fully functional medical facility.” The CDC also provided anyone concerned they had coronavirus with step-by-step instructions for checking themselves into their homemade hospital, running diagnostics tests, prescribing themselves treatment, hooking themselves up to a handmade ventilator, and declaring themselves dead.